I’m Not Broken

Physically, my body was really struggling, but this was just the beginning of a seesaw of physical and emotional challenges, a journey that was long and at times all-consuming, but one that has taught me so much. I can’t say the process of learning was easy or fun; rather, it was hard and disheartening most of the time, but definitely valuable. When I did get back to work for the first time after my accident, I was only able to work one of my jobs; the other one, I had been signed off working for six weeks. I was ordered to do physio to help the diagnosed whiplash. Things like sweeping, mopping, and driving were still a challenge if I did too much, but my workmates were great and very understanding. However, everything that was common everyday practice before the accident became a challenge, though this improved temporarily. Not only was I struggling physically, but I was rapidly gaining an insight into what it was like for my clients who were very dependent on their support workers. This was not a straightforward lesson, as my physical ability changed from day to day sometimes, and with many variants. After about six months, I noticed a decline in my general mental health, as depression seemed to be taking hold. Looking back at my journals, it started to deteriorate long before, as I struggled to get back to pre-accident condition. I was continually being dismissed by medical personnel, resulting in getting signed off my heavier work duties for longer amounts of time. This continued till the doctor said he could not clear me to go back to one of my workplaces, due to the nature of the work required. I had no choice but to resign. This resulted in me no longer feeling like it was worth trying to get medical help, because it was not making the issue better, and it was impacting my income. Despite resigning from one of my jobs, my symptoms started to worsen after initially improving in some areas. Each day, I was very tired, and I started to feel weak in my legs, still had soreness in my neck, and had increasing tingling in my hands while asleep. This was all very baffling for me, as I was not doing anything more than I would normally do. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn’t understand what would be causing these symptoms, but I was hesitant to go back to the doctor, as I felt like I had been ignored for months. It seemed their way of dealing with my continued pain was just to give me a doctor’s certificate and suggest physio. My belief that something was going to change for the better after going to the doctor, or even that they would get to the bottom of the issue, was almost nonexistent. The symptoms did not abate. In fact, they seemed to worsen, to the point where I could not ignore it anymore, especially as I also started to notice I had an increasingly low mood.