Knots in my stomach

It starts as a vague sense of unease, a nervous twinge at the base of the spine. A curious tension forms behind the eyes and with it, a frightening sense of not quite being in the real world, as though behind a pane of glass. The chest starts to tighten and beads of sweat start to form on the forehead and temples as unseen fingers clutch at the stomach. You tell yourself to ignore it but by now it is hard to concentrate, and your legs are aching slightly and beginning to feel weak. You pretend that everything is alright but somehow the shape of your mouth has changed and it is difficult to smile. You are on fire and sweat is running down inside your clothes. Now comes the double whammy: you are overcome by a horrifying wave of terror where the future is too frightening to bear, and if that wasn’t enough the pulverising of your stomach turns your bowels to water. You are having an anxiety attack. Although maybe momentary, these feelings have a terrifying sense of permanence, as though nothing will ever be alright again and no longer will there ever be any pleasure or relaxation. All you want to do is curl up into a ball. Things can stay like that all day. You either lie on the bed and try to shut it out or you wander from room to room, looking for an escape which isn’t there. Alternatively it can lead to a full Panic Attack which is totally paralysing… you think you are going to die. You can’t breathe. You crouch on the ground gasping and your hands start to clench and lock. This is because by now you are hyperventilating in a desperate attempt to get some air into your lungs. These feelings are with you, to a greater or lesser extent, all the time. You can be busy and distract yourself from them but as soon as you stop and have time for reflection, back they come to spoil your enjoyment. You can learn to live with them. I did. I’ve had them all my life.