Living, Loving and Learning to Love More

I expected that Reverend Soles might mention the importance of communication in marriage. As he had not done so, I myself raised the subject, ‘Also, David, I can see that it is all too easy to assume too much concerning one’s partner. For some crazy reason, when we marry, we expect our spouse to be psychically attuned to our every thought, and we feel annoyed or let down when this is proven not to be true. The whole skill in building a successful marriage seems to me to rest in maintaining successful communication between partners. It is surprisingly hard to communicate enough in quality and quantity with our spouse. In this vein, it is far too easy to take for granted that you’ll be understood without the need to make much effort in communicating. You’re married, right, so of course your viewpoint is automatically understood!’

‘Wrong!’ David responded, chuckling, ‘Again this comes back to love. You’ve picked a common assumption in the thinking of marriage partners. Communication is at the very root of most marital assumptions, not just the example you mentioned. Whenever I marry couples in the church, I take time to instruct them not to take each other for granted. I explain that communication acts like rain on the tree of marriage. It requires abundant showers to ensure the growth and good health of a strong, sturdy tree that can withstand the buffeting of life’s gales.’

Tasha quietly listened to us talking, but now she spoke up, ‘This all refers to what Thambi and I call the art of coupledom. The rewards of being a couple eternally, or even for a lifetime, are a bundant, i nvaluable a nd e xtremely r ewarding. O ur partners, when we share true love, are our greatest teachers. In life, there is a lesson in every journey. Our greatest journey is marriage and there are so many lessons that arise when we travel through life so closely together.

‘However,’ she added, ‘in accordance with the principle that we only get out of life what we put in, if we wish to receive and partake of these rich rewards, we need to contribute actively towards their fruition. This contribution is the art of coupledom. D ance i s c ertainly a m ost a pt m etaphor f or life. If you watch couples embrace each other as they move together across the dance floor, you will see a perfect demonstration of coupledom, for it surely is dancing through life in step with our wonderful partner. On the dance floor, there is no room for exhibitions of selfish ego tantrums. Both partners dance in step, concentrating with great care on the role of the couple as a unit, melting into the music. It’s a great practical demonstration of synergy in the way they form a beautiful, harmonic whole together, one that describes far more than just their individual selves.’

‘I guess the things we previously mentioned are also important components of coupledom,’ I ventured. ‘Yes. The key to success in coupledom is how individuals stick together as couples,’ Tasha responded. ‘The quality of the glue depends on how true their love really is and how they translate it into practice. A couple’s agreement on principles and their complete commitment to not transgress those principles, are an important part of genuinely caring for each other and therefore a sign of true love. Like learning to dance, there is no instant method for a couple to immediately dance in step the whole time. This comes from: hard work; practising good communication; the genuine desire to act as one; and looking out for each other. Many of the requisite qualities do not match the perceptions of popular culture.

‘When you first learn to dance, you must learn patience and endurance. It is likely you will tread on each other’s feet at first. However, when you persevere with faith in your partner, and you nurture each other encouragingly, then you begin to build something beautiful as you learn to relate to each other’s natures. The positive results show as you increasingly glide across the floor in harmony, trusting each other implicitly. With time, practice and dedication you appear as one body with one unified thought; each acting with integrity and fidelity for the other’s well-being, steering each other past the obstacles and challenges.’ ‘It’s very much like learning how to love,’ I observed. ‘You mentioned duty earlier, David, but dancing lessons show clearly there are many other vital ingredients. There is also the need to spend as much quality time together as possible,’ I ventured having learnt this lesson well over the past few weeks.

Tasha smiled in agreement and said, ‘Romantic true love, or successful coupledom, requires the resilience we develop from having solid values, as opposed to the ephemeral values of today’s outlook of immediacy, driven by the continual quest of self-gratification. Love grows over time, fanned by kindness, gentleness, understanding and empathy.’

David then commented, ‘I like the term coupledom, Tasha. It is also a commitment to a lifelong journey of discovery about the couple’s selves. Society today creates many pitfalls for couples through its extravagant publicity about sex, glamour, consumerism and other things. These reflect shallow values, the pursuit of which offers the soul no substantial nourishment but lead instead to frustration and spiritual starvation. This is very sad because there are such profound values found in men and women, but these are often overlooked in the rush to chase after myths created by modern-day hype. These myths quickly evaporate, leaving great disillusionment.’

Tasha smiled her agreement and commented, ‘For many of us, coupledom is the most accessible and meritorious path we can tread to develop higher values whilst sharing with our truest and most reliable friend. The going is not always easy, but the success of an enduring, soft and devoted bond is sweetness itself. But too few are prepared to stick it out.’ My attention to Tasha’s words wandered. I appreciated how appropriate her metaphor of a couple dancing was, and pictured Ted and me locked in a steamy embrace as we passionately danced together. I reviewed in my mind, once more, how Joy and Dick, and also for that matter, Tasha and Thambi, appeared totally in tune with each other. Clearly, both these couples consistently implemented synergistic wins in their marriages. They applied it to every event or plan that touched either partner’s life. If both partners did not benefit, the plan or event was abandoned with no fuss. I had failed to do this, but saw what magic it contained in cementing relationships because it was an undeniable and reaffirming display of love. I resolved to do the same in future.