Inside Out
by
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Chapter One: You'd be surprised what you can get used to... 9/23/12 - night Loving an addict is far from weak. I’m shocked at my own strength sometimes. It’s like being wildly manic depressive. The lows have been excruciating. But the highs…the highs outweigh it all…the passion and perfection…the very real height of this love. “You’d be surprised what you can get used to,” he has the nerve to say to me. My words to him are dramatic and pain ridden but somehow separate from me right now. I ask ‘how could you’ while wishing I didn’t already understand…say 'I hate you’ while knowing damn well I’m dying to make love to him at the same moment. Every minute passes by…he’s gone…I get angrier and angrier, more and more hurt…but most of all it’s a state of terrible yearning…for him to walk through the door. I’ll see him soon and be wrapped up in his arms in a matter of seconds, already putting the hurt behind me and clinging to what feels like my last bit of hope…that he will be the exception to the rule of the addict... a walking miracle. One year later… I am extremely surprised at what I’ve become used to…living in this exhausting and depleting pain for so long. My “last bit of hope” remains, still picking me up off of the floor and taking me through the motions, slowly going and going until I have just barely enough strength to be knocked down again without simply dying. As a psychotherapist, I see myself clearly. I am a classic, codependent enabler living in denial of the fact that the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. I’ve never had such contempt for my profession’s diagnostic terms. I believe in holding myself accountable for playing a major role in my present situation, but the self-disgust that comes from defining myself by these terms is not helping at all. I’m trying to build self-acceptance without over-rationalizing my actions. What I’ve learned above all else in the last year is that I am human…and I needed that. It seems that all gifts come with their curses too. I have a great ability to forgive and to understand, to show kindness to those that others find undeserving. The downside of these abilities is that I am often taken advantage of, alienated by my open mind, and chastised for my “idealistic” need to be good and see the good in others. We live in a world where people brag about how mean they can be, how aggressive and powerful. I refuse this world often to my own detriment…but always to the credit of my conscience. I have loved Noah as if it was a spiritual obligation, as if my soul was sworn to love him beyond my human control. I can’t fully understand at this point what I am still doing in a relationship that is easily termed abusive. I have wondered if I am drawn to the drama; if I am playing out childhood trauma; and if my relationship is an obstacle to be overcome or if the love and friendship that I perceive between us is just so true that it will weather the storm. It is true for some; there are exceptions to the rule. I have yet to be one, but hope is still an incredibly beautiful thing…no matter where it leads. Three years later… I love myself as if it is a spiritual obligation, as if my soul was sworn to love even my human imperfection. I am no longer in an abusive relationship with anyone. I am not drawn to drama; I am healing childhood trauma;and my relationship with myself is no longer one to overcome, but one to embrace and nurture. I am the exception.
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About the Book
Inside Out joins author Nyla V. at the lowest point in her life. She begins writing a journal as the only way she knows how to attempt to deal with the pain she’s experiencing. In her first layer of journal entries, Nyla details her descent into utter hopelessness while loving an addict she hopes will overcome his terrible ways. In her second layer of journal entries a year later, she demonstrates progress in new habits of self-love and care, showing the drastic difference in her overall well-being. Nyla waits three more years to add a third layer of journal entries, revealing healing through time—the process, the cycles, the setbacks, and the triumphs. In this memoir, Nyla drops any cloaks of shame within her for the sake of truth as she poetically details experiences such as: loving a toxic person; struggling with depression, anxiety, and with stigma; being suicidal; catharsis; and the building of self-love in order to overcome it all. Through deeply personal and honest prose and poetry, Inside Out offers an exploration of self and meaning in life.
About the Author
Nyla Verity is a Nationally Certified Counselor, a member of NAMI, and has struggled for most of her life personally with PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. She writes memoirs as a mixture of deeply personal and honest prose and poetry. The result is always a spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings that connects and often causes healing waves of emotion to wash over her readers. She wants to connect. She wants readers to agree not to judge her and not to judge themselves. She wants readers to learn to love and understand themselves by witnessing her own commitment to self-love amongst so much inner and outer chaos and turmoil. She is undeterred by fear when it comes to revealing herself and her life to others, and she does it with great love, beauty, and integrity.