There was a time

So now, sitting back in his seat with his knees tucked up under a tray, Kyle envisions how Gerald wants him to come to his deathbed to help him find Jesus and accept salvation in his heart before he has to cross that “old stormy Jordan river,” in other words, before he died. Kyle is playing out that rapturous scene in his head where they are both embracing with tears of joy as a lost sinner has been brought into the fold. All of a sudden, something deep within Kyle cringes at the idea of this meeting being anything about Gerald’s salvation. It is from this same deeply-buried feeling that Kyle does not want this meeting to be about conversion experiences. He not only did not want to make this about Gerald accepting Jesus, or about bringing his hyper-religious wife or any type of wife at all for that matter, Kyle also did not want to wear this suit of minister’s clothes that he was so willing to inconvenience himself with in the airport. He now did not want to wear them in the company of his old friend in the hospital. As Kyle sits on the isle side of the plane waiting for his free beverage, he quizzes himself. Why? Why am I feeling this way? These things represent me! But now I want to distance myself from them. My helping others find Jesus, Clair, my wonderful helpmate in ministry; and even my suit that I’m wearing. They all represent me as a minister. These things are who I am; they are a part of what I do. Kyle thought of Judas denying Jesus. I am denying these things that have meant so much to me. But why now; why am I trying to deny them now in the company of an old friend? The answer is right in front of him like a haunting reminder, but Kyle refuses to acknowledge its taunt. However, this reminder does not need Kyle’s acknowledgement in order for it to have a voice in Kyle’s inner most being. Yet Kyle pushes it aside as he sits drinking his soft drink with a subconscious shaking of his head, as he mumbles, “No! I will wear this suit to the hospital, and I will push for Gerald’s salvation because I am his last hope for heaven. I should have tried to bring Clair in order to show Gerald what God has done for me since he saw me last.” Kyle begins to chant almost as a mantra, “I have changed. I did change. I did; I did.”