Wife Beater Shirt Optional
There is no dress code for domestic violence
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A few years back, I was working with an upper middle class woman who came to see me because she was having "trouble in her marriage". She explained to me that her husband was jealous, controlling, called her names, treated her like his personal servant and isolated her from her family and friends. She added that he "only hit me once, and that was because I wouldn’t stop arguing and I pushed him too far. It was my fault." I explained to her that his inappropriate behavior was abusive and not her fault. It was his fault and just because he was not willing to take responsibility for his behaviors did not mean that they were her fault. I explained to her that she is victim of domestic violence. Based on the information she had shared with me during our session, her husband was extremely manipulative and controlling, and used emotional, mental, sexual and ("one time") physical abuse in order to control her and the relationship. Her response to me was that she was not and could not be a victim of domestic violence. When I went over the abusive behaviors that she had just shared with me again and she acknowledged that they occurred, I asked her why she did not believe that she was a victim of domestic violence. She retorted, "You know, they live in trailer parks and their husbands wear wife beater shirts". My reply was, "I didn’t know there was a dress code for domestic violence!"
Upon hearing her response, I initially thought that she was being rather snobbish and judgmental. As she continued her explanation, I then realized that this was not about a sense of class superiority or criticism, it was about denial and a lack of education about domestic violence and related victimization.
Domestic Violence is not just the physical or sexual violence for which an intimate partner or family member can be arrested. It is so much more than that. Domestic violence includes emotional and mental/psychological violence as well. Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior where one partner repetitively uses one or more of the 6 types of abuse to manipulate or intimidate a partner in order to have power and to control him or her. Violence does not have to be physical to be abuse, nor does it have to be physical to hurt. Physical violence bruises the body, mental, emotional and psychological violence bruises the soul and the spirit.
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About the Book
Have you ever wondered: “Why doesn’t she/he just leave?” “Why does he let her push him around? He’s such a big guy?” “How can it be domestic violence? I’ve never seen a bruise on her/him?” “Why doesn’t she/he just call the cops?” People often ask these questions when they do not have a full understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence. “Wifebeater” shirts are a stereotype not a style. In Wife Beater Shirt Optional, Dr. Laura Streyffeler dispels the myths and stereotypes about domestic violence and helps the reader to have a stronger understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence. Dr. Streyffeler will also help the reader understand the differences between a healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationship. All relationships experience challenges, conflict, and changes. Often times when these challenges and conflicts occur, couples struggle to communicate in a loving and healthy way. Conflict occurs when two (or more) people disagree. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. If conflict escalates into verbal or physical violence, and one partner attacks the other, instead of addressing the problem, that’s abuse. In a healthy relationship, both partners want to resolve the conflict. In an abusive relationship, one partner wants to solve the conflict, but the abusive partner does not care about solving the conflict. He/she only wants to “win”, be right or get his/her or way. When one person has all the control in the relationship, makes all (or most) of the decisions, and will do whatever it takes to win and get his/her way and maintain control in the relationship, that is an abusive relationship…even if there has never been physical violence. After unraveling the myths about domestic violence, trauma and the reasons why victims stay (and leave) abusive relationships, tools for assessing the types and extent of the abuse, and practical safety planning for leaving an abusive relationship are provided. If you, or someone you care about, question whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, then this book is for you.
About the Author
Dr. Laura Streyffeler is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Board Certified Expert in Traumatic Stress. She is also an expert in domestic violence and forensic counseling. Dr. Laura Streyffeler maintains a psychotherapy practice while providing professional trainings and serving as an expert witness in domestic/sexual violence and other trauma related court cases.