Desperately Seeking Permission
A Novel Based on True Events
by
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Backpacking Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand
On my parents’ bed in Farmington Hills, Michigan, I lay spread-eagle on my back, comfortably sunk into the pink paisley bedspread, looking up at the ceiling. I had just placed my flight itinerary to the Southern Hemisphere beside me, and the reality was beginning to set in.
“Am I crazy to have booked this trip? Who do I think I am backpacking alone through Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand for six months by myself? What if something bad happens to me or people are rude to me? What if I get myself into an unsafe situation?” I questioned nervously. My stomach turned with anxiety. It was definitely too late to turn back now.
The idea for this grandiose adventure came after a break up with a guy I had been dating when I lived in Vail, Colorado. I was working for a gardening company, planting flowers for the rich and famous. He worked for the U.S. Forest Service Department organizing hiking and horseback riding trails in the Rocky Mountains. He was very handsome and buff indeed. One night, he was supposed to come over for dinner, but instead got rip-roaring drunk while playing cards with his buddies. I did not hear from him for hours, while his dinner sat cold on the table.
When I eventually spoke to him, I didn’t hold back with what I thought. Not liking what he heard, he disappeared into the mountains, never to be heard from again. Back then at twenty-three years old I cared a lot. I cried and cried, then cried some more, not appreciating at the time that I had probably dodged a bullet. In the back of mind, his subtle comments stirred suspicion that he probably had a few other girls on the side. Ultimately, he was not a nice guy.
While we dated, I learned that he was a big traveler and had seen a lot of the world. We used to talk romantically about the idea of traveling together and this notion sucked me in. Due to his disappearance, I was very upset that this would never come to fruition for me. As with a lot of unpleasant situations in my life, being mad was a great motivator for me to do something great. I vowed that even though he had left me, I would still do some international travel—with or without him!
Until then, I quickly threw in my gardening trowel and decided it was time to stop playing around in Vail and make my contribution to the world. I moved back home to Michigan to get my teaching certificate. I attended night school full-time and worked for my dad for forty-hours a week as his secretary. Being in my early twenties, I had no social life and went from 360 days of sunshine to 360 days of overcast skies. On top of that, I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom again. Needless to say, I was depressed. What kept me going was looking forward to this amazing trip I had planned.
Now, after a long two and a half years of hard work and saving lots of money, plus putting myself through school, I was finally leaving tomorrow. Regardless of the slight anxiety for the unknown, I was very excited about the adventures that lay before me. While the main purpose for the trip was to complete my student teaching requirements, this really was a mere excuse to travel across three different countries, while soaking up as much cultural and natural wonders as possible. Excited to get my adventure in motion, I rolled off my parents’ bed, zipped up my suitcase, slid my backpack over my shoulders, and clunked my rolling suitcase down the steps.
“Mom and dad! I’m ready to be taken to the airport!” I yelled jumping into the backseat of their car.
Driving to the Detroit Airport, we didn’t say too much. I stared out the window thinking about how far away I was traveling. I was about to be flipped upside down on the globe, going from a United States summer to an Australian winter. Melbourne, Australia is fourteen hours ahead of Michigan. I would be leaving on June 22nd 2004, and even though I was traveling for one day, I would arrive on June 24th. I would be a time traveler!
My parents dropped me off at the airport and gave me a big hug. Their hug told me they were nervous to send me off, but it was large enough to say that they loved me. They knew this was something I had to do. We waved goodbye and the last words I heard were - “Be Safe!”
I turned my back on them for a journey that was about to change my life forever.
Instead of:
“Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?”
It would be:
“Where in the world is Erin Moug?”
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Book Details
About the Book
In Desperately Seeking Permission, author Erin Moug writes a vulnerably honest first novel. Based on a real life experience, she shares her story of a life that spirals out of control. It begins at the age of twenty-six; an adventurous six-month solo backpacking trip through Australia, New Zealand, and Fiji results in Erin falling head over heels in love with an Australian man.
Fast forward four years. Circumstances surrounding the relationship lead Erin to a darkness she has never known. At a deep soul level, she knows the path back to happiness but desperately seeks permission from outside sources, willing to suffer mentally and physically until it is granted.
Ultimately, this painful experience serves as her greatest gift, teaching her an invaluable lesson: the only permission you need to be true to yourself comes from you.
About the Author
Erin Moug was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan. She has lived in Denver, Colorado, for ten years. Her passions include working with children with autism, playing with her Bernese mountain dog, Gunther, practicing yoga, spending time with friends and family, and living a healthy lifestyle.