The Emotional Abyss

Table of Contents First Half ~ Poem, “The Emotional Abyss” Introduction Prologue Section I: Poetry or Something Like It & Reflections Section II: Lyrics or Something Like Them & Reflections Section III: Insightful Poems or Something Like This & Reflections Section IV: Free Writes or Something Like That & Reflections Epilogue Second Half ~ Antidotes for The Emotional Abyss Sections I to IV A Little Bit More A Word Please: Free Writing A Word Please: Journaling Photo Album Acknowledgments My Prologue The day I discovered my teenage writing, I laughed hysterically, realizing I had all these thoughts and emotions long forgotten written down on paper. Adult Lori really had forgotten…forgotten it all… Forgotten about this, Lori, the Teenage Lori. Forgotten the teenage angst and insecurities. Forgotten how my desire to love and be loved was clouded by fear, pain, and confusion. Forgotten how wisdom from a magical-land saved my sanity. Forgotten how making-up stories kept me in this world. Forgotten that my younger self had written me messages to later share with this world. Forgotten my purpose on Earth to entertain through stories. Nevertheless, Teenage Lori never gave up, even when abusers, naysayers, and distractors encouraged her not to write. However, my Young Adult Lori began to forget like a slow-churned machine until she buried it deep down and put her stories away. She promised herself she would share her poems someday. She would publish eventually, sell books ultimately, and make a living writing, yet. One ordinary day in 2012, fate intervened. I was going through my home file cabinet, decluttering it. Without thought, my eyes drifted down to my writing drawer. I tried to stay on task, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that drawer. Finally, I sat down on the floor, opened the drawer, and began to ruffle through seemingly endless “like-new” file folders. Immediately, my fingers browsed the loose-leaf handwritten, old school, typed papers from decades gone by. Within them was my Unicorn Book, which I had bought as a way for Teenage Lori to put her original poems into a book that she could call her own. Inside, the old-fashioned parched paper had mesmerizing drawings of magical unicorn creatures, which provided me inspiration. I opened my book and began to read. As I began to rediscover Teenage Lori’s poems, Adult Lori’s emotions ebbed and flowed everywhere. First, hysterical laughter. Second, an all-out comical sob. Third, an introspective waterfall of tears. Forth, dazed left-the-planet stare. Fifth, hysterical laughter. Eventually, a calmness came over me. Then, “Shit, I am supposed to share this!” Before I lost the courage to bury the evidence and carry on as life had been, I emailed my then Life Coach, Jesse Brisendine. > Jesse I am totally cracking up laughing!!! I was browsing through my poetry from my childhood, and my god, it’s hilarious to me now! Because I sound like I know all about love at my old preteen age! I even have songs! LOL! > I’m going to bring them with me tonight. I am meeting with JoBeth, my writing group partner. I’m gonna see if she can help me with some angles developing them. Still LOL!!! >Jesse Brisendine wrote: >STORY POTENTIAL!! :) >Carpe Diem, >Jesse Story potential? That’s it… I don’t know what I wanted to hear, but not that. That evening, JoBeth and I split up the loose-leaf writing into organized piles at an I-Hop near the gym where I taught Pilates, my then career. I did my best to stay focused on our task, but the thumping inside of my chest kept stealing my attention until a poem on rose-colored paper titled “My Artist Prayer” caught my eye. My mouth fell open wide. As I read the words, shame shot through my body while tears gushed from my eyes. Concerned, JoBeth smiled sadly while intently listening and fighting back the tears. I spoke, “I let her down. I didn’t do what I was supposed to … I didn’t listen. I stopped my soul from doing the one thing that Teenage Lori always wanted to do—write.” “She didn’t give up, though, did she?” replied JoBeth. We both chuckled. I shrugged. “How do I find the courage to share this?” My eyes welled up. Peering into my watery eyes, JoBeth said, “By allowing yourself to be as vulnerable as you were when they were written.” Two Emotions Life is nothing like I thought: It vacillates often, always back and forth, making me smile, or causing my face to frown. It brought me joy once; then, I laughed as I held Daddy’s hand. I felt secure knowing he cared; happiness was there. I sometimes wonder…why sadness has to appear, how a friend’s cruel words take over a mood, depression sets in, wilting my heart. It’s plain to acknowledge the difference that the two emotions are separate. But still, they’re so real like turning sixteen... I’m caught up in the endless whirlwind: laughter and tears, collaborating. An event that will never be changed.   Reflection Two emotions, indeed. Teenage Lori implies that the two emotions, which make her either smile or frown, are like turning sixteen. It’s an odd comparison that makes Adult Lori baffled. Perhaps Teenage Lori meant, if you are fifteen and alive the next year, you will for sure be sixteen. It is inevitable. As in, as long as we are alive, we will experience both joyful and depressive emotions, and sometimes at the exact time. The two emotions co-exist. That’s life. Antidote We choose our emotions. Sometimes when we are not feeling well, it’s a challenge to feel somewhat happy. Yet, suppose we are determined to live full lives and experience as much joy as possible. In that case, getting ourselves back to a sense of peacefulness is vital. Surround yourself with those people and things that bring you joy and fulfillment. Be courageous just enough to search deep within yourself to find the source of your happiness. Hint: Self-love is always a source of happiness.