Reborn as the Self

INTRODUCTION “I know you’re tired but come, this is the way.”- Rumi As I think about this book and how it came to be, a profound sense of reverence flows through me, for the amazing perfection—and absolute fragility—of this masterpiece called life. This book is the manifestation in form of my longing and seeking; it is the result of my journey from identity to self and the proof that if we consciously decide to live from the space of our true self, we can live without suffering and literally create the life we desire. Let me tell you how it came to be written. Some years ago, while mentally scrolling through scenes from my life, I saw an unhappy and frustrated woman. She had raised a child almost completely on her own, working nine to six her entire life and watching the world turn around her without being a part of it. She was imprisoned within the safe walls of self-preservation; though life continued on outside, inside this fortress of her own making, she already felt dead. I was this woman, trapped in identity and psychological reality while real life passed by—until the day I realized that viii there must be something more to life than just surviving and functioning. Up until that day, I was merely a survivor. My story is of a woman who expanded into the external world through a corporate job, money, family, traditional view of success, identified herself totally in her story (identity), became imprisoned in her own comfort zone, and found herself feeling dead while still living. Life had to shake me up to bring me toward awareness. It did so ruthlessly. I had to lose everything: my family, my health, my father. I also had to face the terrifying possibility of losing someone else: my gentlest friend and truest mirror, my beloved daughter. I had lost track of myself. I was enveloped in suffering and I could not see a way out. My cyclical, repetitive mental patterns, my identification with them and with my story (identity) had to perish before I could start living a new, joyful existence out of my true self. I had to find a joy from within that no person or situation outside can ever affect. I ended up with an existence built on pure love and compassion for others and myself, where success means that I am the creator of everything I desire and long for, and where my decisions come from a place of love for myself rather than fear. I waded across life in search of transformation, only to come to the realization that my concept of love was not love, my concept of death was not death and my concept of life was not real life at all. From a purely functional, compulsive, fearful and conditioned identity who lived mostly within her self-created psychological reality, I transformed myself into a free, fearless, aware and joyful being who resides in the beauty and grace of its own self. I had to metaphorically die while living to find my way back ix home; a death which was not of the body, but of my mind, beliefs, judgments, thoughts and emotions. In short, I had to face the death of the concept of me. I still can remember the morning at work when, without planning it at all, I stood up and went to speak with my boss. I had spent most of the previous days unhappy at my desk, and suddenly a voice within, a force of some type, pushed me to act. I remember how I silently and fearfully walked across the office without really knowing what I was going to say. Then I heard myself calmly and firmly state, “I want to request a sabbatical year.” Though I expected resistance, I was astonished to hear my boss answer, “Okay. Let’s see how to shift your projects; if you need time off, you can take it.” In that exact moment, it felt like a stone had fallen from my heart. I realized that I had been searching for a way to break out of my non-life without knowing how to do so. It was not a typical mid-life crisis decision, where changing to another place and different circumstances would have been enough. I was truly seeking for transformation. I needed ample time and silence to look inward and merge with my true essence. I temporarily left my job, rented my house and moved to Mauritius with the firm intention to only be. I lived near the ocean with only nature around me— something that had long been one of my heart’s desires. I gave myself the freedom of living at my own pace, of slowing down from the frenetic rhythm of modern life. I did daily yoga, meditation and writing; I took enough time for friends and life, giving them my fullest attention. I travelled to India, where I volunteered in a children’s school while my mentor, best friend and most sincere mirror showed me the way to freedom and inner joy. I lived simply and happily, one hundred percent involved in everything I did and doing things that really mattered to me. It was during this time that this book was born. My daily writing, done without any intention of writing a book, turned out later to be my gift and contribution to all the people, who, like me, were looking for answers. The more I wrote down what I thought, felt and experienced, the more I realized that there were many people there outside who could be helped by it; people who had the same longing and the same thirst; people who were looking for practical tools to break their own conditioning and become creators of the life they desired. I went through so many challenges in my life and I learned so much from them that I feel it is my responsibility to share this awareness and wisdom with you. There are so many people who are facing or will have to face the same challenges that I did, and if I can help save them from having to suffer unnecessarily—if I can quicken their path to an increased awareness and the life they always desired without needing a lifetime—I am more than honored to do so. So, please consider this book a gift from me for this generation and the ones to come.