Be a SMART mum Not a GOOD mum

‘She’s better off without me.’ My daughter Ashani was not even one, yet I was sinking fast into a state of powerlessness, with every notion of self-belief drowning. What was happening to me? Images flashed through my mind of leaving my family and running away. But when I thought of not being with Ashani, my whole body went weak. A feeling of guilt, emptiness, and sadness rushed through every cell in my body. ‘Everyone else seems to be living their happy-ever-after,’ I told myself. ‘Why not me? What is wrong with me? Why is everyone so horrible to me?’ I told myself, ‘I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do life anymore.’ The pain was intense. I felt like my whole being was shutting down. I wondered, how can I live life feeling such emotional agony? Having my own family was all I ever dreamt of from when I was a child. I always felt that I was meant to be happy. I imagined being a secure, confident, and present mum, married to a kind, loving, and fun man who adored me and our children. I thought of myself as healthy, fit, full of energy, and active. I would be a stay-at-home mum, running my own business from home and having fun with my family. I envisioned us living in a cosy home with a large garden for our children to run around in. We went on family holidays and enjoyed life. This vision of living a satisfying and fulfilling family life was all I ever wanted. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. I married a good man and had a beautiful daughter. I had my own family. So why wasn’t I happy and living my happily ever after? What had happened to the calm, fun, and joyful mum, and wife I was meant to be? Why were powerless thoughts stuck in my mind, like an endless loop? Why was I dissatisfied and unfulfilled? Growing up, I was told that if I worked hard and was a good person, I would live happily ever after. I felt life had totally let me down. I wanted my ‘happy ever after’ life so much that I desperately searched for it for decades, though in all the wrong places. I went to school and tried to get good grades. I attended university in search of a degree. I tried to be as kind, respectful, and giving to everyone. At work, I tried my best to be there every day, working as hard as I could. I did my best to make my man happy and be a good wife to him. I was determined to be a good mum for Ashani. I wanted our home to be a haven filled with love. Instead, Ashani was playing by herself on the floor in our living room. Every few minutes, she looked at me with sad eyes. She longed for her mummy to hold her. It had been a week of no cuddles. I could see her, but something had taken over in me. All I could do was stare zombie like into space. I had nothing left to give. All the household chores were being attended to by my husband. ‘Babe, in all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you like this.’ My husband looked into my eyes. ‘It’s like your light is gone.’ For a reason I cannot explain, I was suddenly jolted into awareness. Something inside me woke up. ‘My light has gone,’ I told myself. I could not believe it. The one thing I swore to myself that I would not do was to switch off my inner light. I had never moved off my sofa so fast in my life. I went straight over to my beautiful daughter, picked her up, and held her tight. Looking into her eyes, I promised, ‘Mummy will never be a victim ever again!’ It was October 2014, when I started my life over again—but this time on my terms. I decided that I was going to get to the bottom of finding my ‘happy ever after.’ I needed my mojo back! I was sick and tired of trying to be this so-called good person that society had brainwashed me to be, promising all kinds of rewards for being good. Enough was enough. There had to be more than this to life. I decided to get smart. The amazing, wonderful universe felt my intention and has supported it ever since. The power of life came rushing through me, to me, and from me. While Ashani was sleeping, I spent every evening for the next few years learning about myself, my mind, and how to live a fulfilling life. Hour after hour, I read self-development books, listened to audios, and researched how the mind works. I was awake until the early hours of every morning. I was on a mission not only to find my mojo, but to understand how I lost it. When I sprang into action, I transformed every area of my life from lack to abundance, and from pain to joy. Even my body changed, as I dropped from a size 18 to a size 10. I found my dream job. I became a magnet, drawing to myself amazing people. Love, success, and happiness poured into my life. As my mojo returned, no area of my life was unaffected. More importantly, I was no longer hijacked by the powerlessness that kept me from being present with Ashani. I learnt how to shift from the powerless feelings to powerful feelings and have been a present mum ever since. I was trying to be a good mum because I did not feel good enough. But when I learnt to become a smart mum, I felt empowered, good enough, and worthy of living a satisfying and fulfilling family life. It was then that I realised I could not keep what I had learned to myself. I had to share this with every woman in the world who was going through what I had endured.