Radical Revelry

rue self-love insists that you take radical responsibly for yourself and shows you that abandoning yourself is no longer an option. It teaches you to eat that last cookie and to not save it for your children because you deserve to have the last cookie too. If we don’t believe we are deserving of the last cookie, how could we ever prioritize our desire to kayak solo in Mexico? Or set aside time every day to write that book? If we don’t build firm, loving boundaries to preserve our own well-being, how can we expect anyone else to do it for us? What we are working toward is real, true, and pure love toward ourselves, not some superficial altruistic love for others. That kind of behaviour—the belief that you “have to” think of others before yourself—is just people-pleasing in drag. You aren’t actually thinking of others from a place of real, true, and pure love; you’re just abandoning yourself in an attempt to alter the opinion the other has of you. In this way, you are manipulating both of you. Gaslighting yourself while ensuring the other person thinks you’re “good.” You are pretending you’re a good person when you’re actually a puppet. A puppet to the subconscious beliefs that tell you you’re not good enough as-is, so you have to prove your worth. Real, true, and pure people act with integrity to ensure the highest good of all involved. They know that “highest good for all” also includes themselves. Self-love is an act of rebellion. It goes against anything you were ever taught, or likely shown. In our society we judge people as narcissists or arrogant or selfish if they think of themselves. These aren’t just terms used to describe someone who would push kids out of the way to escape a fire (George Costanza style), these terms are also used for people who say “no” when invited to a baby shower because they don’t want to go or a mother who prefers to work over being home with her kids. Even if there is no one around to say those things to us, we have been conditioned to say them to ourselves. How many times do you agree to something or not do something because you’ve judged yourself and thought, “What will people think?” Our fear of how we will be perceived by other people is blocking us from having choice in our own lives. It is limiting us from finding what is joyful and right because of some invisible jury judging our every decision. Choosing ourselves and what feels good to us is not a common practice. Choosing what other people think we should do is. We have it backward, and because of it we’re living backward lives. We’re living for external validation and are disconnected from what lights us up from the inside. Looking for light on the outside is like asking others what we should have for breakfast. How would they know what your body is asking for? How would they know what makes your soul happy? If unconditional love is the absence of judgement, how would you perceive and receive yourself if you no longer judged everything that you did, said, or thought? What if you just allowed yourself to be who you are? We have all morphed our lives into something we think will pass for “acceptable” instead of what feels good to us. Self-love is about recognizing that you are the only one who can help you. You are the only one who you ever need on your side. Self-love is opening to the realization that you deserve your own energy and attention more than that extra project your boss asked you to take on. Self-love is about putting more value on what you think about your new hair colour rather than what your kid’s best friend’s mom thinks. You take cues from in your body instead of from others’ faces on how to proceed. You trust yourself instead of the advice of others. You become the expert of your own life and that feels good. It’s about damn time that you learn how to fall in love with yourself. You’ve spent a lifetime trying to convince others that you’re lovable by doing things for them, pleasing them, anticipating their needs, rephrasing things so you don’t offend them, refraining from speaking your mind, saying “it was no big deal” when it actually was, saying “yes,” saying “no,” and generally giving away your power in exchange for approval. You’re good at it by now but it hasn’t really got you anywhere. You’re left with a slight feeling of insecurity, in an energetic place that you know isn’t right for you, and a feeling that you’ve just sold yourself for a smile. It’s time to try something new. It’s time to practise loving yourself so you no longer seek it in dead ends.