Introduction

I wrote this book essentially for all of us who have experienced abuse. Of course, my story will be different to yours, but the underlying emotions and issues will be similar.

Our world is full of abuse. It happens in our homes, our communities and our work places and, sadly, no one is immune from it. Abuse can begin in our childhoods and continue well into old age; it also crosses all boundaries regardless of class, color or creed. In addition, abusers come in all guises.

In this book, I have tried to cover all the angles of dealing with abuse, partly from my personal experiences and also from what I have observed in others. My earlier life was particularly difficult. Therefore, my experiences include various forms of abuse. Some will be pertinent to you, while other parts you may wish to skip. Your story will be unlike mine in content; however, I feel we all suffer the same damage. In my case, the abusers were my father and mother, whereas yours may be a husband/wife, friend or work colleague.

This book is packed full of information and presented in short and well-labeled sections so that you can literally pick and choose. As we come from various abusive situations, it is paramount that you choose to read the parts of this book that resonate with you. In a sense, it will be as a workbook that you may reread and return to as you work through different issues.

In addition to writing for the abused, I hope that those who live with us and therapists who are engaged in helping us can gain some new insights into our world by reading this book.

Given time and work, I believe that we can all heal from the negative effects of abuse. Perhaps it will take decades and be an ongoing journey; however, I believe that healing can be achieved.

With love,

Wendy x

Facing the Truth

It is in remembering and dealing with the past that we reclaim ourselves again.

Where my story began

Remembering

The best thing about the last few years was remembering the abuse; however, the worst thing about the last few years was also remembering the abuse. It has only been through facing the truth that I began to feel whole again.

Coming from an abusive past you live two lives, the earlier life during the abuse, and the one after. If you are reading this book, you may be in the process of remembering and beginning to face the past. However, remembering does not mean you are actually dealing with your past. Once the memories start surfacing, and the emotions begin releasing, you have two choices. You can push them down again, or begin to deal with them at last.

Remembering the abuse and allowing the feelings to come up is painful. It can be sad and disappointing; it can make you angry. However, finally, you can begin to understand yourself. Each person’s story may be different, yet the emotions will be the same. In my experience, the predominant feelings are fear, anger, hate and sorrow. Added to this are the countless tears we need to cry.

Nothing can prepare you for the reality of remembering. I had blocked out most of my childhood. Then one day all the memories came flooding back into my life. It was a very confusing time as the way I had remembered the past was conflicting with my new memories. Coming to terms with that was very difficult. The new memories are very hard to accept as they question your recollections from the past. During this time, I frequently questioned my sanity.

It is important that you take it slowly. The initial stage can be shocking and unbelievable. It can be like a dream that you want to wake up from. However, facing the truth will be the best thing that you can ever do for yourself.

Memories

People from normal lives easily recall what happened to them as a child. However, those from abusive childhoods and adult abuse may have very poor recall. It is very frustrating to be unable to remember huge chunks of your past. Generally, survivors who remember the abuse later in their life can also have great difficulty trying to make sense of these memories.

At first, I had nightmares. It is very common for people to start dreaming before the memories begin to surface. The dreams are like the beginning of remembering; indeed, it is a safe place to start. I had lots of dreams while the abuse was surfacing. They were graphic dreams full of fear and violence, and many dreams that involved being chased. Terror and fear dominated the nightmares. I would wake up sweating and with my heart pounding. Frequently, I would feel like I was paralyzed, unable to move. This was obviously the old terror and fear locking up my physical body. My dreams lasted for years, ebbing and flowing according to where I was in the process. Don’t be disheartened if you stop having them, and then they return. You aren’t going backwards.

Our dreams are part of the healing process. They enable us to experience our deepest emotions in a detached way until we are ready to deal with them in our real life. I recorded some of my nightmares, and it really helped me in understanding more about myself. I focused on the predominant emotion in the dream, not the actual details. In this way, I could connect into the basic emotion I was trying to deal with. Sometimes it was fear, while other times it was anger.

During this period, flashbacks began to interrupt my daily life. Anyone who has experienced flashbacks will understand the frustration they bring with them. It’s like watching the trailer of a movie and trying to work out the storyline. Flashbacks are so quick that it can be hard to access the information coming through. As fast as it comes, it’s gone again. Unfortunately, flashbacks can be vivid and upsetting. Some days I could have the same flashback over and over again.

Try to allow the dreams and flashbacks to surface. Although you might not understand them all, they are releasing these trapped emotions. It is a good thing for once they are released the healing can follow. Keep in mind that once you embark on the journey, there will be much work to do, so be sure to get the help you need along the way.