Spiritual Revolution

September 23, 2019, changed my life forever! I have many dates that have created prominent changes in my life: My major car accident when I was 18, the birth of my son, the birth of my daughter, my baptism as a born-again Christian, the date I found the flyer for my longstanding career as a fit model, the date I met my first husband, the date I met my second husband, the day I went through a physical assault, and all of the many life-changing events in-between. However, nothing was like the 23rd and 24th of September 2019. Those dates changed my world’s trajectory, concepts, belief systems, perspective, and life. On those dates, I went on a spiritual journey to partake in the plant medicine of Ayahuasca. However, before I tell you about my experience, I will share my story, the story of the dreamer. I do not believe most people wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’m going to find a Shaman I can take Ayahuasca with.” Especially me, a 46-year-old woman who has a professional career, has raised two children, has three grandchildren, and goes to church. On top of that, I am very responsible, and I like a structured schedule. I do not smoke weed, don’t do drugs, am a twice-a-month social drinker, stay away from preservatives, eat healthy, and work out regularly. I am the ideal, stereotypical, looks perfect on the outside, put-together woman. Most who don’t personally know me would think, “She has it all, and she has it all together.” But the truth was…I didn’t! I controlled my outside world because I felt like a twisted-up mess in my brain and my heart. I felt confused about everything I was trained to believe in, and I felt confused about the relationship I was in. I was at a pivotal point where my religious knowledge and beliefs didn’t coincide with the world or my life. What I thought was supposed to happen once again did not. This moment of seeing a cycle I could not escape opened a doorway of questioning that led me to seek answers. My heart did not have peace in all I had, and all I knew I didn’t know. What I perceived I knew was an illusion, and the truth was just on the other side of an invisible wall. Coming to this understanding of my beliefs made me realize I needed something new! I needed something that could wake me up, something that could set me free...set me free from this dream state or this reality that I knew was not the story I was supposed to be living. In my life, I was raised as a Christian and I loved that feeling of knowing God was with me but I hated the other feeling that went along with it. That feeling of being disappointed because the God that was with me seemed to rarely answer my prayers. He never healed my mother from multiple sclerosis, He didn’t protect me from the man who molested me as a child, He didn’t save me from the pain others inflicted on me, but it did not matter because I always loved Him! I felt His presence, I felt His love, and I felt safe knowing that He existed. I honored Him and I feared Him. I loved God and knew that God loved me and watched over me. Sometimes, God would answer prayers; other times He wouldn’t. That was the nature of the God I served. As I got older, I devoted more of my life to Him. I got re-baptized and became a born-again Christian when I was 20. A born-again Christian has a directive to give your life to God as an adult and serve Him wholeheartedly. This I did well. I studied the Bible regularly and made many positive changes in my life. I directed and taught children’s ministries. I led and was involved in many women’s Bible studies and retreats. I was given ‘spiritual gifts,’ which are God-ordained abilities given to those He chooses to fulfill His great commission of sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. I would pray and forgive and live in the concept of long-suffering for the sake and salvation of others. I even attended a Christian undergraduate college for my Christian counseling and psychology degree. My mission was to overcome trials by being the best Christian I could be and then to help others in their trials. My belief in God started as a 2-year-old girl and was a strong foundation for developing my character and world. Living in the mindset that God is sovereign and that this is how it is supposed to be was my salvation. So, when my world was in chaos, it was the only thing that brought me some form of internal peace. I would pray and give my chaos to Him, and then I didn’t have to be responsible for it because God had it covered. However, this way...well, it didn’t stop the chaos around me, it didn’t fix the problems, and it didn’t help me to always understand. All the prayer and the devotion did was give me temporary help, temporary peace, a whole lot of trust, and hope for something better…while accepting the world I lived in. Believing this way separated me from my world by living in a realm of patiently waiting for the future, keeping me from really living and experiencing the present, like one foot in two worlds simultaneously. This chaos that caused the internal torment I mentioned was the roller coaster ride of my life. We have all been there on a roller coaster that we cannot leave. It takes turns and twists that we did not ask for while additionally making us feel anxious, excited, and scared. We think it could possibly be good for us because of the mix of thrill and suffering. Psychology calls this the dual-process theory of habituation and sensitization: We get on board and stay on the roller coaster for the thrill (sensitization), but then we get used to it (habituation), and we ebb and flow between the two all the while thinking that getting on was a bad idea in the first place, but now getting off is a whole new ball game. This ballgame creates more anxiety, so the comfort lies in the roller coaster highs and lows.