Living with Mimi

Chapter 3: A Houseguest Around the end of April, we got that fateful call at 3 a.m., mentioned in the Introduction, saying Mom fell at the assisted living facility. She was taken to a nursing rehab for a week. We were told that when she returned to the Gables, she would have to go into quarantine for two weeks. This was totally understandable, but I couldn’t bear having Mom by herself for two weeks. I felt she was mentally fragile already. This might send her over the edge. We arranged to bring her to our house for a couple of weeks, just to re-ground her. As soon as we got back from a previously planned family vacation, Mom came to stay. We put her in our youngest daughter’s bedroom. We set up a makeshift bedroom for Colie in a spare room off the kitchen. This was hard on our daughter, but the improvement in Mom was incredible! Although her mobility improved slowly, her mental stability was immediate. No more confusing phone calls or lost curlers. My heart sang. She joined us for dinner each night. Afterwards, either my husband or I sat down with her to talk or play cards. As the time for her to return to the Gables drew near, I couldn’t do it. She made such strides at our home that I knew in my heart this was where she needed to be. We talked about it as a family — David and I, and all three kids. We asked questions such as: Was this something we all could live with? What could we do if it got to be too much? Where was she going to stay in the house? How would we have to change the house to make it work? Would my siblings be okay with this? It was a lot to consider and take in. As a family, we decided to take the plunge. Next, we discussed plans with my brothers. Everyone was on board. We arranged to keep the Gables apartment for another two months, while we tested the waters. If things didn’t work, we would bring her back. But things did work — for Mom and us. We had ourselves a houseguest. The rest of the book is for those who’ve decided to consider having an elderly relative live with them. Mom was at a certain stage in her life where she needed help and observation. Every circumstance will be different. The rest is what worked for us and the blessings we found taking this on. Things to Consider Some questions to ask before committing: • Where is the loved one going to stay in the house? • What adjustments to the home do you need to make? (These will be similar to what is done for someone staying in their own home.) • Are you emotionally able to handle your elderly parent in your home? • Think of your relationship: What do you want for your loved one and for yourself? Do you have a better relationship apart or together? • What are your loved one’s needs? Can you meet them? Are you willing and able, for example, to help your loved one with bathing, going to the bathroom, getting dressed? • Think of how this person’s presence will affect you and the other people in your home. • Is this arrangement okay with siblings? • Will pets be a problem i.e. allergies or a tripping hazard? • What is the plan if things do not work out? • Perhaps most important, ask yourself what is the most loving approach for your loved one and for you? As this arrangement affects EVERYONE in the family — partners, children, siblings in and out of the house, even pets — think long and hard about the decision. Okay to say No! After you have discussed these questions with your family and others whom this might impact, and the answer is a hard “No!” — don’t feel bad! That is okay. It is better to maintain a loving, caring relationship with your loved one, especially in their last few years, than have it dissolve into a resentful, irritating, frustrating, and annoying one. There are resources that can help you find the right place and solution, such as those presented in Chapters 1 and 2. But if the decision is, “Yes,” read on!