The ABCs of Self-Care

During my decades of coaching clients, whose reasons for seeking my help ranged from complicated personal challenges to professional leadership issues, the most common denominator in all my clients’ lives was a lack of attention to self-care. That’s right – self-care: the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness. Too often, we see the obvious signs that we need more self-care in our daily routines and yet we ignore those signs and keep pushing, striving, and surviving on a heavy diet of numbness and denial. Because denial keeps us safe until we are ready for the truth. It is only the truth that ultimately wakes us up to the better life that awaits us. Perhaps the truth is that you do okay with self-care yet know deep down inside that your life could be better, so you’re open to learning new self-care tools and information. In the coaching world, we call that having a growth mindset. People who have a growth mindset take more risks, set higher goals, perform better, and have better relationships. As a result, they also experience less stress, anxiety, and depression. Whether we evaluate our current state as numb or moderately satisfied, we must make different choices to create happier, healthier, and more peaceful lives. We must take better care of ourselves before we hit rock bottom, which makes it an even tougher struggle to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. We must care enough to keep our cups full on a consistent basis. What Self-Care Looks Like The kind of self-love I hope to help us each develop becomes a protective force field against disrespect, intimidation, domination, prejudice, and other abusive behaviors by others, while simultaneously strengthening the important relationships in our lives. This sort of self-love demands that those who wish to come into, or remain in, our lives treat us with respect, love, dignity, and support – all of which we will reciprocate. Ultimately, however, we will each determine for ourselves what our current needs are and what self-care tools are most appropriate given our circumstances at any given time. Sounds good, right? Committing to Self-Care Committing to self-care isn’t simply a matter of power-reading a book to hopefully absorb its concepts. Theory alone isn’t enough. We must put theory into practice. Practice means engaging in new behaviors over and over again to create a new and healthier behavior or habit. This will look different for each of us, as we’re unique individuals with unique needs and desires. Self-care is more of an art than a science because what makes one person stressed, anxious or worried is not necessarily the same for another person. This is where the art of self-care comes into play: determining through reflection, and then trial and error, what the most suitable self-care tools and techniques are for your unique self. And because self-care, in all its many versions, boosts our mood and reduces stress, it’s well worth the effort. A daily commitment to self-care can decrease illness and accidents, improve overall wellness, increase career satisfaction, remove toxic people from our lives, and even help us eat more healthfully. Given all these positive implications, shouldn’t self-care be high, if not highest, on our list of daily priorities? Shouldn’t we spend most of our waking hours with a self-care mindset? Absolutely! And yet...it doesn’t usually work out that way. Why? Because most of us need to work for a living, in addition to having other responsibilities that prevent us from focusing exclusively on self-care. Fair enough. We may also engage in self-sabotage that keeps us stuck in a holding pattern of suffering. Therefore, to develop a consistent self-care practice, we can make deliberate choices throughout each day – choices that protect us from the inevitable wear and tear of life and support us in making self-care improving decisions. And to do this, we have to become aware of our needs. This isn’t always easy, especially for women. We’ve been socialized to be a caretaker, often to the point of martyrdom. The belief that it is “noble” to take better care of others than we do of ourselves may have been instilled in us – even to the point of our own personal decline. Giving until our metaphorical cup is empty means there’s nothing left to quench our own thirst. And that does no one any good. I admit, this was one of the toughest obstacles early in my own quest to incorporate self-care into my life – namely, learning to overcome the shame or guilt I felt whenever I made a self-care choice. Trust me – it got easier! Don’t be discouraged if you face some internal resistance as you embark on your self-care journey. You too can become more comfortable with making self-care choices – one healthy behavior at a time, one self-care ABC at a time – until it becomes second nature. One common misperception about self-care is that it means being selfish, that committing to self-care means we’re only focused on our own interests and needs, regardless of the needs of others. Not true! However, many of us have the scales tipped so far on the side of putting others' needs and wants ahead of our own that we may have to be a bit more self-focused to develop a self-care routine. And that isn’t selfish, it’s prudent. Having no regard for our own needs means our own lives will suffer. Self-care depends on prioritizing our own needs to the same degree that we prioritize the needs of those we care about. A former dentist of mine has a sign on the wall of his office that reads: You don’t have to floss all your teeth – only the ones you want to keep. In the same spirit, we don’t have to practice self-care every day – only on the days we want to keep our sanity and improve the quality of our lives. In other words, commit to self-care – and flossing – daily. Self-care is floss for the soul.