Beyond My Story . . . I AM

Have you ever wanted to run away? Have you wanted to step out of your life for a day, a week, a month, forever? Have you wanted to hop on an international flight and go to an enchanting faraway land and hang out in little villages steeped in history and not know a soul? Have you ached for consecutive days, weeks, and months with no mail to open; nothing to handle today? Have you yearned for moments in time where nobody can ask anything of you? Where nobody even knows exactly where you are just for a spell. Have you ever reached a point of enough! The feeling that you’ve had enough of these overwhelming, stress filled days. You know, the days where you open your eyes in the morning and the very act of opening your eye lids was about as much energy as you had to exert for the entire day. Me too!

So I did it! I woke up one morning about five weeks ago and I said “Enough, I’m out.” I am going to get on an airplane, step out of my life as I know it, and go find not only me, but also the life that is out there waiting for me to show up and live it. On June 7, I boarded an international flight from Seattle Tacoma International Airport to London Heathrow International Airport. And my mantra in those weeks leading up to June 7 was “Please God do not let me die of a stroke or a heart attack from all of this damn stress before I get on the f**king plane.” As the Universe would have it, I did not die. I got on the plane. I was too tired to feel anxious about my decision and about seven hours into the overnight flight, for the first time in a long time, I felt the faint whispers of an old familiar smile flicker deep inside of me. I used to have a lot of those deep inside of me smiles. I used to have moments and months and years where I would think if I died tomorrow I’ve sure had a great time. That flicker of a smile was my first memory of those deep soul smiles in a long, long time.

I’m not quite sure when it was that life became so heavy, so much to carry, so much stress and exhaustion. When did my thoughts become permeated with these never ending questions: “What’s happening to me? Where did I go? Where is my ‘happy’ place? Where is my energy? Why all of these stressful thoughts? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I? Have I lost sight of me? When? Why do I fill with tears so easily? What the hell has happened to me?”

I think that we all must reach moments in our lives where there is so much overwhelm. When situations, people, events, and life just pile up and weigh heavy on our spirits. Or better said, when we put too much of our attention on the situations, people, and life events that show up. I find myself in new territory. It seems I have been managing and juggling lots and lots and lots throughout my adult life; what has felt like an endless amount of challenges. But I was also always able to maintain a happiness and joy factor. My default reaction to almost any situation that life has thrown my way has been to greet it with laughter or at least know that at some moment I would laugh about it. I’ve always had this uncanny ability to roll with the challenging times that present themselves. Why am I struggling now? I know how to live happy and well. I have life practices in place that ensure my level of vibrancy, humor, and strength. So what the heck is going on?

This is my fifty-ninth summer. I have been studying with the greats like Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, David Simon, and others for four decades. I have metabolized a level of awareness that helps me to maneuver through life with at least some level of grace. I have been practicing meditation since 1995 and teaching the practice since 1996. And I have been supporting others on their journeys – always. So what’s my story? How have I been defining myself, my life, and ultimately my way of being in the world? What needs to be examined, rethought, and redefined?

Over the years I have become crucially aware of the immense power that our stories hold. Our stories, the things we focus on and share with others; and the ways we define ourselves and our lives. Like everything, our stories vibrate to a frequency. Every thought we have contains within it a frequency. Examples of the lower frequencies are thoughts and feelings of shame, guilt, judgment, sadness, anger, frustration, worry, fear, and intolerance. Examples of higher frequencies are thoughts and feelings of peace, joy, love, grace, laughter, happiness and fulfillment. When did my story change? Why did my story change? Why am I feeling the exhaustion and the sadness that I’m feeling? What the hell is my story? And if I am the author of my story, where the hell did I get so off track?