The Revolutionary Who’s Raising You

I believe that spirituality and psychology make perfect bedfellows. Throughout our history we have been captivated by the human condition. Psychology, at its best, is the study of the human psyche - the human mind. Throughout our history we have been equally transfixed by the human spirit. Religion, at its best, enhances our understanding of the human soul. In my opinion empowerment and enlightenment are almost synonymous. Spirituality and psychology is a marriage made in heaven and I would like to take that union and apply it to one of our most challenging but rewarding pursuits – parenting. Usually when a parent is linking in with a psychologist about their child it’s not because their child is too ‘good’, it’s not because their child is too amenable. Most often it is because their child seems angry or their child is oppositional or even that their child seems depressed or anxious or merely won’t pay attention or focus. Very frequently it has been a doctor or an educator who has suggested that a psychologist might be helpful. Now, at the risk of putting you off from the very beginning, I’m about to express something quite controversial. Doctors or educators or other parents or ministers or grandparents or even some psychologists don’t necessarily have any expertise on YOUR child. In fact, in my experience, often two parents don’t agree between themselves regarding their own child, let alone a stranger having some specially acquired knowledge (says the psychologist, yes the irony isn’t lost on me). Now why do I say this off the bat? I want to see if I can change your mind about your exceptional child. I sincerely hope that this book brings you some empowerment and enlightenment regarding your marvelous tween or your amazing teen or your rambunctious toddler. In order to change some of your beliefs, potentially strongly and long held beliefs, about parenting and emotions and diagnoses I may need to dismantle some preconceptions. I many need to take a proverbial wrecking ball to the house of cards that we’ve societaly built regarding the psychology and psychopathology of kids. Within these pages you will come to clearly see that I am a lover of the fiercely independent and I know that I am probably among the few. As a psychologist I hold very unconventional but psychologically accurate knowledge about kids, tweens and teenagers who are considered problematic. I am one of the rare professionals who scoff at diagnostics like ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). I am extremely reluctant to give merit to these kinds of terms and I absolutely refuse to use such terminology myself. The reason why I bring a radically different psychological perspective to challenging kids is because I powerfully understand the human psyche. I am an advocate for a new psychology, awakened psychology. Old-psychology and traditional-parenting are fast becoming obsolete and we are stretching into a new age. At the basis of this new understanding is the fact that fierce independence is an asset NOT a liability. I would suggest to you that we are in the throes of a global reawakening and spiritual Truth is permeating mass consciousness to a degree that it hasn’t done before. The bedrock of society is shifting and spiritual principles are coming to the fore. At the basis of spiritual psychology is, needless to say, Spirit. To elaborate, traditional psychology has regarded human nature essentially as a triad; the convergence of thought, emotion and physicality (or action). Spiritual psychology regards the human experience as a quadrinity of spirit, emotion, thought and physical natures. In seeking to understand the human gestalt it is my opinion that this spiritual lens is the most crucial. When we overlay a spiritual understanding with our understanding of children I believe we bring both into sharper focus. It is my staunch belief that character traits deemed ‘negative’ by prior generations reflects more of the social norms and directives of the time rather than being indicative of sound psychological principles much less spiritual Truth. I’m sure you were raised much like I was, I was raised by very loving but traditional parents. Growing up I was inclined towards conformity – my personality was sensitive, intuitive and kind hearted – I wanted to please others very much and I was intuitive enough to know what pleased and what displeased. Put simply, I was extremely masterful at playing the ‘good girl’. I was always a good chameleon and I could sense what somebody wanted to hear, I could sense how somebody wanted me to be or behave, I could always just sense it. I was absolutely not the squeaky wheel. My intuitive, sensitive, kind nature represented great assets for me growing up. I pleased friends, I pleased teachers, I pleased my parents. Traditional parenting aligned very well with my personality because I was intrinsically motivated to ‘be good’, it suited me to ‘be good’, I had no trouble with it and I was praised for it. Fortunately for me my personality traits naturally fell into this socially constructed category of ‘good’. When I look back now on my nature as a young girl there are distinct qualities that, while yes contributed to my ‘good-ness’, did not serve my empowerment. On the one hand, other people were pleased with me, other people regarded me positively, in fact other people often overlooked me because I was so ‘good’, I wasn’t a problem for others. On the other hand, I was not confident within myself, I was shy and often found attention uncomfortable, I lacked healthy self-esteem and questioned my own opinions a lot, I was much more likely to follow than lead, I was not equipped to assert myself well and I would easily sacrifice my own desires or preferences for others. When they were handing out the psychological assets of the ‘rebel’ I must have been standing in the queue for the bathroom. A random example of my conformist nature that comes to mind is when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I grew up with 3 siblings and my father worked for the public railway system while my mother stayed at home to raise us. We never had a great deal of money and hard work and responsibility were instilled early. I remember saving money in order to buy a book at the local bookstore in my small town. The exhilaration and pride I felt walking into a quaint little country bookshop with my ‘own’ money. I had my eye on a copy of Roald Dahl’s ‘The BFG’ (still a classic in my opinion). The book was just perfect and I loved the feel of it in my hands as I cradled it to the counter, the crisp corners and glossy cover. When I got the book outside and eased it open, being careful not to crack the spine, I noticed that it had been assembled wrongly, some pages weren’t ordered correctly some pages were missing entirely. I’m sure you can guess what an unconfident, self-sacrificing, shy little girl does when she experiences the disappointment and disheartenment of a faulty product…she does nothing! Until now I have never told anybody about that lovely book that was all wrong inside. In many ways I think it’s a very apt metaphor for myself as a young girl. I was ‘nice’, I was ‘good’, for all intents and purposes I was a perfectly behaved child but inside I was insecure. I knew how to avoid discipline and I forgot how to feel empowered. I could easily do as I was told but I lost my own voice. I could avoid making a fuss and never learnt how to make a fuss, even when it became necessary. I intimately understand the trade-off that conformity demands because I, along with many others, struck the bargain. Other people were pleased but often I was not. It is like doing a deal with the devil and the devil is our social conditioning. The devil is our prioritisation of conformity over happiness, following the flock over forging your own trail.