ASTRAY: From Presidential Politics to Prison

Fear and shame had pushed faith and reason aside. I could no longer think reasonably or rationally. Satan whispered, “Nothing matters after the trigger pull.” I sat there shaking, with my eyes closed and listened to the wrong voice.

As I put the muzzle of the LCP under my chin and placed my left index finger on the trigger, I opened my eyes. To my surprise, there was a hunting blind across the overgrown roadway with a faded number on it. I realized I was in a deer hunting kill zone; a place of death. From the blind across the way, hunters would sit and wait until a deer wandered into the clearing and then they would fire. I was barely 10 yards away. Animals had died here before. A man would die in this place soon.

I could hear cars driving down the highway about 130 yards to my left. As I listened, I picked up the familiar sound of an air compressor and a roofer nailing shingles to the roof of a new house under construction about a quarter mile away across the highway. I could tell by the rhythmic pow-pow-pow the silence for a few seconds as the worker positioned the next shingle then pow-pow-pow again.

I realized my breathing became heavy – I was sweating. I was scared. Turning away from compassion and into confusion, I heard the evil one’s words again, “nothing matters after the trigger pull.” I put all other thoughts out of my mind. My wife wouldn’t understand why, my mother would grieve a second son lost to a self inflicted gunshot, reporters would have a field day; I was elected Delegate No.1 from the 11th Congressional District of Texas to the 2008 and upcoming 2012 convention only weeks away. The Convention was going to be covered by more credentialed members of the media then the 2012 Olympics making it the largest news event on the planet. My fellow elected officials would be at a loss; no one would make any sense out of my suicide until the WCID auditor and board discovered my deceit. Then that would lead the news again for weeks.

Shame. Theft. Dishonor. Disgrace. Disgust.

My heart pounded as I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth trying to drive all the thoughts from my mind. Satan whispered. I listened. “Nothing matters after the trigger pull.”

I wanted the last thought to go through my mind to be of my wife. I failed again. I panicked. I pulled the pistol barrel away from my chin. It left a red mark about an inch above my Adam’s apple. I was sobbing and breathing hard and I could feel my heart and my head pounding.

I looked down and to my left. I was jumbo grasshoppers on the foliage foot away from me. I could see their powerful hind legs and front mandibles chewing as if they were waiting for me to die so they could feast on my flesh. It seemed like they stared at me; I felt they were evil.

The heat was becoming unbearable. I sat there cross-legged with my head in my hands; tears streaming down my face; crying out loud; “God, God!” “Oh, God what do I do?” “I can’t go home. They are after me. I screwed up so bad!” “What can I do???” I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was at the end of my rope; the end of my wits. There was no choice I could think of; I had run out of options.

Time had come.

I tried to gather myself after a few seconds; took a deep breath and exhaled through pursed lips. I was exhausted. I was drenched with sweat. I had lost the fight. The LCP was slippery in my hand. I closed my eyes and controlled my breathing. I thought of nothing. After a couple of moments my mind began racing again. My heart began pounding. Satan whispered, “Nothing matters after the trigger pull.” I numbly repeated softly out loud, “Nothing matters after the trigger pull.” I gripped the pistol tightly while holding it under my chin. I squeezed my eyes and clenched my entire body; and while gritting my teeth, I pulled the trigger.