Confessions of a Passionate Seeker

DAY 1From Discipline to Direction
With self-discipline most anything is possible. –Theodore Roosevelt
CONFESSION: I am undisciplined and resist the very thought of anything or anyone restricting me from doing what I want.
This is day one of a forty-day adventure into the depths of my soul. Where am I compelled to begin? With “discipline!” I certainly need a strong dose to follow through with my intentions. I have been guided and inspired to share my journey, to bare my soul by confessing anything and everything. This is an exercise in spiritual transparency where all will be revealed. As I remove layers of good intentions, wise utterings and virtuous actions, I strip down to the bones of my being, down below all the pretenses and false impressions, to expose the real me. In the process, I hope to uncover my true Essence.This will not be easy because Ego-Pamela wants everyone to think she is special, smart and gifted. The process also will be challenging as I have drifted from the habit of sitting in silence, meditating and writing for nearly two years. I was a full-time caregiver for my husband during his many health challenges and surgeries. Every free moment was dedicated to projects for non-profit organizations. As a perpetual volunteer, I was addicted to the glowing compliments I received for sharing my creative talents and to the belief that I was indispensable. Then the universe intervened and stopped me in my tracks. I hit rock bottom when an energy-sapping health issue sent me to bed for nearly seven months. For a high-energy woman who typically operated at break-neck speed, this was a low blow. I was forced to let go of everything unessential in my life. I resigned from every team and project, backed out of every possible commitment, and delegated as many family obligations as possible. I sunk into the comfort of my bed, read trashy novels, watched mindless movies and ate comfort food. Chocolate, cupcakes and cookies were my best friends. I gobbled up anything sweet for some much-needed energy, only to confirm that I am more than a little allergic to wheat, corn and gluten. Instead of getting the desired burst of energy, I suffered from constant reflux, heartburn, joint aches and lethargy. Looking back, I am sure my body would have healed more quickly had I not been on a sugar binge and if I had tried some holistic healing measures. However, I lacked the discipline and focus. When I finally gave up and let go, relief came. My body healed and my energy was restored. I also discovered the desire and motivation to change my lifestyle. I spent the next six months eating right and exercising diligently. I am thrilled to report that I am back on track, ready to move forward, not just physically, but spiritually as well. A shift has occurred deep within so I will pick up my pen and write once again. To do this will require even more dedication and discipline than I needed to stay on the healthy bandwagon. Fortunately, I tapped into a source far beyond my limited capacity. I would never have been able to lose over thirty pounds in four months without divine intervention and assistance. Back to the topic of the day. Discipline and I have had a strained relationship. Mother used to stand me in the corner when I disobeyed. I would sob and stomp my feet trying to release the pent-up energy and frustration I experienced in this confined space. Twenty minutes was torture for a hyperactive child. Meditation still feels like a timeout as I struggle to be still and quiet the mind. Punishment from Dad was more old school and usually involved an unpleasant reunion with the razor strap. More often than not, my sisters and I were disciplined for “sins” like wearing makeup, shortening our skirts or cutting our hair. Our folks wanted to make sure we would not spend an eternity in hell and felt obligated to correct the error of our ways.No wonder I was deathly afraid as a child. House rules and church standards were so overwhelming I knew I could never measure up. I could never be good enough to make it inside the pearly gates. We were doomed just for being born. I never understood the concept of original sin that hung like a black cloud over our heads. This misconception is one of many perpetuated by conservative religions. After all, how could a Heavenly Father damn his beloved children to a lake of fire? No loving parent would do that to his/her children. A devoted father would never abuse their children, even if correction were necessary. Discipline is critical or I will squander away the rest of my life and never fulfill my higher purpose in life—to share the Blueprint for the Human Spirit. The unfinished books and projects in my computer confirm this fact. Without order, structure and guidance my very existence could be meaningless. I have received great insights through the Blueprint and am compelled to share them in unique ways. This is possible—if I embrace a disciplined lifestyle. To fulfill my commitment to journal confessions for 40 days, I will block out time in my schedule, sit in silence and prepare myself physically and spiritually to receive guidance. Then I will write what comes to me. My intention is to clear my soul and trust that others will be inspired as I expose my shortcomings. Through this process, I can also share revelations from the Blueprint, the amazing inner teacher that guided my awakening.Once I have written in my journal, I will go to my antique secretary’s desk and type the message on my computer. Not long ago I realized my desk sits in a corner of my office. Am I punishing myself as Mother used to discipline me? I considered moving the furniture around, but the majestic view of cypress trees, Birds of Paradise and Bougainvillea in my back yard neutralizes negative memories of the corner. This perspective also offers moments of incredible inspiration. When a dragonfly lights gracefully on one of the flowers, I am reminded to release illusion and false pretenses so I can embrace truth. This is the intention of this 40-day journaling process. The Blueprint revealed a great deal to me about discipline. As we internalize guidance from our parents, it transforms into self-discipline and positive direction. We make choices to create the structure needed to pursue our heart’s desires and follow-through to their completion. Obviously, I still have a long way to go in the self-discipline arena. Without discipline and direction, I will never show up every day to complete this endeavor or tackle the many projects that I have abandoned. Fortunately, I have one recent positive and very successful experience with self-discipline. After an extended illness, I am back in shape and have regained my physical stamina. To achieve this goal, I eliminated gluten, sugar and dairy from my diet and began a rigorous exercise program. With my new routine, a sense of order has graced my life. I am now ready to pick up my pen and live more productively and purposefully. The word “discipline” stems from the Latin word for pupil or disciple. Isn’t learning what this process is all about? I am a disciple of a healthy lifestyle and a dedicated student of spirituality. I am committed to this 40-day process to release old beliefs and expose the true me. I am committed to embracing and expressing PAMELA in capital letters—Essence, my higher, sacred Self.
AFFIRMATION: My life is disciplined and in harmony with Divine Order. I am One with All That Is.