The Loneliness Cure

Today, nearly 5 decades later, I look around and see that loneliness is a pervasive problem in our society. Was it always this big of a problem or has the industrial age and electronics created a new host of challenges for humans? I recently asked the ones around me about loneliness and every person reported they could relate. Several said that they often feel lonely when there are plenty of people around. This reminded me of a seminar that I presented where a large number of both men and women reported being afraid to be alone. The fear of loneliness was keeping them in unhealthy situations, they knew it yet they kept on; ever afraid of being alone. So, here I sat, with people choosing unhappiness and in some cases violence over the potential of being alone. This was extraordinary for me to hear the way these people shared. They concluded that the fear of being alone was so powerful that they would remain in toxic, abusive situations in order to “have someone”. One person said “someone is better than no one and I don’t want to be lonely anymore.” Wow, this was startling to me even though I myself have felt similarly and I have worked with many clients over the past years that have parallel stories.

In my work as a counselor and mentor, I encounter loneliness in many ways and with many labels attached. Any form of addiction creates a sense of isolation and loneliness which is a cornerstone of the disease process in addiction. Engaging in what could be called unacceptable behavior leaves the person suffering from a sense of isolation and loneliness that is perpetuated by the belief that “no one would understand or believe me.” Often these people had been experiencing some type of loneliness for many years, partly addiction related and partly socially related. Nonetheless, loneliness was an obvious component in their struggles. I have worked with people who had an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend commit suicide over a break up. The fear of being alone or being alone was so unbearable these people took their life. Now, the others also have survivor’s guilt. The overarching problem has ripple effects that impact all people.

Some of my recent work has been around the topic of Joy and Passion in living. When I reflect on my personal history, this appears curious to me initially as to how these topics are so prevalent in my work. Could it be that having lived in and somehow transcended the loneliness paradigm, I can see the issue more clearly? Today, I know that loneliness and being alone are totally different things. The source of each is different even though they may be related at times in the human experience. Loneliness is a spiritual disconnection while being alone is a physical situation. Seeking another person will not ease loneliness at its root. You may be distracted for a bit. Many folks report continuing to feel lonely even when they are with another or a group. So, people alone cannot and do not fix or solve loneliness.

I have been asking myself about this issue on many levels over some time. Many people seem to experience some level of loneliness in their lifetime. Most people begin to see that regaining connection is a large part of the correction for their life trajectory. Being lonely over an extended period of time can cause depression, anger outbursts, resentments, blaming language, tearfulness, and addictions of all kinds, poor relationships, and poor decision making overall and low self-esteem. Other issues and challenges are also associated with loneliness or the perception of loneliness.

Humans are meant to be in relation with one another. Thus loneliness is a disruption in the growth and thriving ability of a person who experiences loneliness. Trying to convince this person that: “See, there are people around you” doesn’t help much if the person cannot connect or feel the others around them. It is the connection to others and one self and one’s higher self that dissipates loneliness. Decreasing the angst and pain of loneliness in the life is an important part of regaining joy, freedom and success.

This book will discuss the many causes of loneliness, the many faces of loneliness, the consequences of loneliness and how to rid you of loneliness. Introverted or extroverted, loneliness hinders your happiness and stunts your growth. It is a formidable foe due to the insidious nature of the impact in our lives from the personal to the national and global. I hope to offer viable ideas, suggestions and solutions that you may use to ease your angst or the angst of a loved one. Illustrations and stories and anecdotes will be used to help illustrate ideas. I trust they will be helpful for you.

Though the stories are fictional, you may find aspects of yourself within the characters. This is because some of the human condition is universal. Often loneliness can create the belief that you are alone in your pain and disconnection. This is an error. All people, from time to time, deal with loneliness. It robs you of happiness, joy and authentic connection with yourself and others. It is a good idea to have a journal handy while reading this book. Document your personal ideas, challenges and solutions. It is not possible to cover every facet of this topic in one text. Your thoughts and ideas are unique to you and should be written for your future reference.

It is my hope that you will spend time with this book and the suggestions. Keep track of your ideas and actions. You will be able to see the power of synergy and focus as you take action and note the results. Remain open minded and allow the words to speak to your heart. From my heart to yours, may you experience the freedom and contentment you deserve.