Women & Middlehood : Halfway Up the Mountain

Middlehood. This is not a word from the dictionary so why was it chosen to describe the middle years of our lives? What is wrong with the word “middle-aged?” The simple answer is that “middle-aged” is too small, too shaped by our fears of getting old. If we look at how language reflects culture and values, it is easy to see. We say “middle-aged” and “old-aged” but we never say “young-aged.” We love the word “youthful” but we will never hear anyone joyously called “middleful” or “oldful.” There is a very brief time in our lives when we are known as “teen-aged,” and when that is over, we get to be or “young adults” and after that we are simply aging.
In modern, youth-oriented cultures, the word “aging” has many negative associations, which is why we do not refer to turning 21 or 30 as “aging,” we call that “growing up.” In these cultures, “aging” is a word that we use only in connection with people over 40. Although we may love wine and cheese that have aged well, we do not seem to appreciate or respect that process in women as we get older. For us, to age in a culture that is afraid of getting old is to assume that once we pass 40, we are losing strength, beauty, and vitality.
The words we use matter. They consciously and unconsciously affect our attitudes and feelings about ourselves and others. For instance, when we say that someone is a “child,” that is very different from saying someone is “childish.” One word simply describes a life stage and the other is a negative description of a person’s behavior. In the same way, shifting the emphasis from “middle-aged” to “Middlehood” may seem like a small adjustment, but it has large implications. When we put the emphasis on “middle,” our questions begin to change. Less often will we ask the questions of youth: “Who am I? What is my purpose in life?” Now the central question is, “What does it mean to be in the middle of my life?” Other questions begin to flow from that one: “Am I being true to myself? What else do I need or want to do?” The simple change to a broader term like Middlehood, opens up more creative possibilities for exploring the challenges, joys and complexities of this time.
If we think of life as climbing a mountain, then Middlehood begins at the halfway point on the trail up that mountain. We have spent all of our years prior to this time gathering experiences, knowledge and skills. We have fulfilled early dreams, built relationships, and started to accumulate some regrets. Right now, we have access to all of that, and all of it, is what brings us here. But we are not done yet, not by a long shot; we also have a future – new dreams, loves, accomplishments, failures and discoveries still waiting to be explored. We are right in the middle and can look with equal ability and enthusiasm in both directions. We are full of rich memories and past experiences AND we have exciting plans waiting to unfold. What a potent and exciting place to be! We can claim ignorance and authority, wisdom and naiveté. We can welcome people of all ages as friends and see the value of their stories and experiences.
There is real power and richness in this time, but in order to find that treasure, we must be willing to turn the page into a new chapter of our lives. This part of the process is where we often get stuck. What is required is the releasing of our pasts, our youth, and finding our way through confusion and challenges to our new place, our Middlehood. In some ways, it is reminiscent of the passage we made as teens – our bodies are doing strange and unexpected things, and our emotions refuse to be organized and contained. We feel buffeted and chaotic. In other ways, it is very different than our coming of age as adults. When we were 18, we could not wait to finish the metamorphosis into our adult selves. This time we are dragging our feet, not at all sure that we want to go through the doorway into the next room.
We know that we are getting older; we can feel the changes happening. Sometimes entering Middlehood feels like an evolutionary change, a natural progression through the days and years that make up our lives. Other times, it is as stunning as a revolution – the complete overthrow of life as we have known it. Whether it sneaks up on us or is a dawning realization, we may lose our sense of “normal” and worry about whether we will ever be able to find it again. Maybe the most discouraging thing is the dreadful feeling that something inexorable is dragging us along without our permission. “Stop, stop!” We want to say. “I can’t get old, I’m not ready yet!”
The years from 40 to 65 are full of change and, truthfully, none of us have escaped the rigors of entering the middle phase of life. This is not a movie and most of us are not having age-defying face lifts. Physical changes are happening and so are emotional ones. Middlehood women are tired, forgetful and easily frustrated. We are grieving and confused and afraid. We have put on weight, don’t sleep well and have weird aches and pains. But despite all of these challenges, to be open to the new insights of Middlehood is to have accepted this evolutionary process and to be willing to explore what is good, rich, enhancing, empowering and exciting about this time in our lives. We may find that we have deeper and more honest relationships, new kinds of creativity, energy, and passion, a wonderful sense of humor, and the beginnings of true wisdom about how life really works. This can be a most extraordinary time.