Finding the Joy In Cancer

It was one of those “rubber meets the road” places. I had a choice to continue on that path, or breathe life into my internal filing system, the very fiber of my being. I could continue to blame everyone else for my hurt and pain or I could take responsibility for my part in it all and change my life. Old path extinction, new path freedom and the unknown. I didn’t know at the time if this would be enough to save me from extinction, I was seeing how I had allowed fear, resentment, and anger to consume my life. Have you ever met someone who seemed really nice and yet there was that something within you that was telling you things are not as they appeared. That was me. I knew that I had always been a loving and kind person. I was willing to give you the shirt off my back. I was willing to be your best friend. I was willing to be whoever you needed me to be as long as you would love me the way I wanted to be loved. Mind you, I didn’t know how that was. I had some made up story of happily ever after. Yet it seemed time and time again “YOU” would screw it up, and I would be there holding the bag, telling anyone who would listen “See I told you so!” I could have received an Oscar for best victim playing that role…Best “Victim” goes to... me, me, pick me! I was so in love with the image of love, what it looked like, and how it should be - I didn’t really want to know what I needed to do to get there. I was going to make it happen. With each romantic encounter I was telling myself “I’m not enough”, and for years I had closed my heart to any hope of romance, instead I would go out to meet my sexual needs in whatever means necessary. With each encounter I would file the hurt, pain, and self hatred deeper and deeper in the cells and tissues of my body, never intending to look at those files again. This was not a new experience, it had started very early in my life. I learned that giving people what they wanted sexually would insure they wanted me around.