STEPPING STONES FOR CAREGIVERS

SELF-COMPASSION IS CRITICAL for caregivers, for without it we are left to our own detrimental judgment. Self-compassion is the kindness we show to ourselves. It is allowing ourselves to feel our emotions without self- condemnation. Somehow caregivers seem to believe the unrealistic notion that embracing our emotions is weakness. That we must constantly be strong. Unwavering. In reality, properly embracing our emotions to move forward with renewed vigor minimizes caregiver burnout.
Certainly, caring for others challenges us to our core. It is this very act of questioning and wavering that beckons self-compassion. Self-compassion allows us to feel our emotions, express self-kindness, and experience the most glorious personal transformation. As Peggi Spears writes, “Most of all, I learned more about me – how I react in time of crisis, how long I can endure, what I can withstand and no longer withstand, how my body and emotions are connected, and how they respond to stress. I discovered that my health matters. My life matters. I matter!”13
There are many benefits to embracing self-compassion including reduced stress, mental clarity, emotional well- being, and physical strength. Self-compassion softens the mistakes we inevitably make as caregivers. It is also the link
to lessen our internal response to the emotional strain of caregiving. Self-compassion is a viable coping mechanism to release our tension from the constant barrage of verbal and emotional onslaughts. Self-compassion is our fuel that re-energizes you on your caregiving journey.
Accept. One of the most profound, releasing, and extremely difficult aspects of caregiving is to accept the decline in your loved one due to disease. I can sense your rebuttal - I am not giving up! My loved one is not that bad. Acceptance of decline is not giving up. It is acknowledging that life is different than it used to be. There are limitations that were not previously present. Conversations that once were, are no more.

When my loved one’s emotional disengagement began to heighten, I was devastated to say the least. Words escape me to convey the depth of despair I experienced. After months of condemning introspection, disdain for my body, and intense sadness I began to accept the emotional disengagement as an impersonal disease process. I still miss the emotional connection, but I no longer expect it. This shift in thinking was the key for me to connect on a different level, to move forward in adaptation, and to experience personal peace. Ruth Fischel eloquently expresses acceptance as “It is a beautiful experience being with ourselves at a level of complete acceptance. When that begins to happen, when you give up resistance and needing to be perfect, a peace will come over you as you have never known.”14
Acknowledge. Self-compassion is not the absence of emotion nor is it repressing emotion. Let’s face it. Caregiving
is a rewarding, emotional roller coaster. We experience love, grief, joy, sadness, happiness, anger, frustration, doubt, fear – a whole gambit of emotions on a continuous cycle. Kristin Neff points out that “painful feelings are, by their very nature, temporary. They will weaken over time as long as we don’t prolong or amplify them through resistance or avoidance. The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.”15 Ignoring these feelings, minimizing their presence, or pushing them down inside only serves to weaken you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Acknowledge that it is appropriate to experience grief, anger, fear, and frustration. Acknowledge that all your emotions – positive and negative – are valid. Let yourself appropriately release these emotions. In so doing, you will be free.
Alleviate. Emotions need release in a healthy manner. Without release, emotions build up over time and eventually spill out, leaving a trail of destruction. Have a good cry. Scream into a pillow. Talk to a friend. Go for a nature walk. Try

deep breathing exercises. Talk yourself down. Repeat a positive mantra. Give yoga a try. Join a support group. Find an outlet. Be compassionate to yourself. Give yourself permission to alleviate stress. In so doing, you are a better person and caregiver. Be mindful of the words of Kristin Neff. “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”16
Aspire. Selfcare begins with self-compassion. Give yourself permission to be compassionate toward yourself. Among
your various responsibilities, self-compassion lags toward the bottom of the list. Caregivers strive to give the best care to their loved one. They often short circuit their own health and mental and emotional well-being. Long days and sleepless nights are the norm. And commonly, caregivers experience guilt over a minute amount of self-compassion.
Practice self-forgiveness. Oh, the overwhelming guilt! There seems to be no shortage. We guilt ourselves feeling that our care for our loved one is somehow inadequate. We feel guilty about our relationships because our time is overly stretched between responsibilities. Guilt overshadows rare moments of laughter with friends. Go easy on yourself. After all, you are a human being, a unique individual. You need and deserve compassionate self-forgiveness. Sure, caregivers make mistakes. We lose our temper. We become fatigued. We are human. Accept your humanity, forgive yourself, and move forward.
Practice self-kindness. Do you find your self-talk to be negative, self-condemning? Are you extremely hard on yourself? Give yourself some slack. Change your vernacular. Use words of kindness and appreciation toward yourself. You carry a heavy load. Treat yourself well. Aspire toward self-compassion.
Bob Marley and the Wailers released “Three Little Birds” as a single in 1980. Better known as “Every Little Thing is Gonna

be Alright,” this beloved song with its catchy tune is a reminder of the futility of worry. Accept, acknowledge, and alleviate your emotions knowing that everything works out for your good.

Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing’ don’t worry about a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright17
Go easy on yourself. Show yourself some kindness. We are doing this thing called caregiving in kind of a free fall style. Give yourself some room. Accept. Acknowledge. Alleviate.