Making Crooked Lines Straight

While staring at Balderdash, God absentmindedly began massaging his bottom lip with his index finger and thumb; beginning at the corners of his mouth and ending by bringing them together in unison to the midpoint of his lower lip. While pondering the incredible temerity of his creation sitting before him, his mind drifted to a family dinner some 52,000 years prior. And he smiled a rueful smile…. Upon arriving at his father’s house, the chatter at the dinner table was already in high gear, accentuated with bursts of group laughter, clinking glasses, and forks and knives scratching and clanking on plates. Mouths of half-full, half-chewed foods were competing with each other to be heard above the merry din. Plunking himself down in the open chair opposite his brother Roger, God waited patiently for the good-natured (and some not so good natured) ribbing to begin. His father, as was his custom, led the verbal assault. “So, late again, huh I-Am, what is it today; those pesky humans again? Not evolving as you’d hoped for son?” Looking over at Roger, God’s father smiled and asked, “Pass those potatoes over here, will ya Rog?” Roger obliged by willing the bowl from the table and slowly floating it over to his father’s outstretched hands, but in mid-pass he felt the need to defend his older sibling. “Dad, would you please give I-Am a break? It’s been what, 2, 2 and a half million years since evolution began in earnest on Eden, and it’s a magnificent plan, you said so yourself. But evolution, by definition, takes time Dad.” Looking back to his brother for approval, Roger hopefully added, “Right I–Am?” God opened his mouth to answer, but at that moment his mother chimed in with her thoughts on improving humanity. “I-Am…” she began in her melodic, high-pitched voice while commanding all the food bowls to her one at a time, placing a heaping helping of each onto God’s empty plate, “…you don’t want robotic drones populating Planet Eden, do you? You’ve done such a wonderful job to date; your Father and I are so proud of you! But honey, you simply must instill egos into their souls, for it’ll make them grow towards you in new and boundless ways! Just imagine what humanity may achieve if ‘wanting’ is introduced into their existence. Also, your ability to live in the unknown and the unexpected, with and through them, will expand your essence by feeling what they feel as they reach higher and higher for you. Clearly I-Am, ego’s will both accentuate and heighten your experience with humans by growing and stretching them. Egos, I -Am; that’s the ticket!” “But Mom,” God protested, “we’ve talked about this before. I feel it’s just too dangerous to ‘turn them loose’ as Dad so glibly put it. I fear what they will become if egos enter the mix.” Pursing his lips while looking down at his plate, God’s father slowly shook his head back and forth in a visual show of disagreement with his son. Undaunted, God continued laying out his case. “They will be in competition with each other all the time over everything. They will learn to hate and blame; me most of all. They will learn to covet and demand. They will develop jealously and envy when comparing their lives and possessions with others, and conversely, they will feel superior to those who have less. In their pursuit of perpetual happiness, they will never be satisfied. This will lead to diseases; both physical and spiritual. And…” God’s father cut him off, “What is the real fear here son? For you know in addition to hate will be love. Blame will be offset by taking responsibility for their choices. Covetousness will be offset by generosity. The acts of loving-kindness will always be in direct proportion of their polar opposites. So, I ask you once again, what is your real fear here son?” God searched inside for his answer, and put down his fork full of moms finest. He somberly stared at his uneaten food, and after a pregnant pause, smiled. He smiled at the silly answer that came from deep within him. While still staring at his plate, he said in a quiet voice “They’re going to judge me, dad.” Raising his eyes from his plate to his father’s face, God repeated his answer in a clear and even tone. “They’re going to judge me.” His father smiled and then chuckled. His mother did the same, as did Roger. All four at the same time felt the sad beauty of God’s dilemma. And God knew in that moment that there couldn’t be half steps any longer. God was either all in or out; for he knew that half measures availed him nothing. He exhaled the sigh of self-realization. Looking at his mother, he said, “Okay mom, you’re right.” Turning to his father, he continued, “Dad, you too. I’ll create and install individual egos in humanity as soon as I get home.” Reaching for his fork, God hungrily dug into his cooling plate. As he raised the fork to his lips, his father remarked, “You know son, there are a few more things that need correcting on Eden.” Holding his fork two inches from his expectant mouth, God turned to his dad and asked, “Such as?” “Well son, mosquitoes for one. They’re useless and annoying and serve no purpose in the food chain that couldn’t be replaced by an insect less onerous.” Still holding his fork tantalizingly close to his mouth, God repeated his father’s statement in the form of a question. “Mosquitoes, you want me to rethink mosquitoes?” Putting his fork down, God patiently asked, “What else dad, what else can we do to improve on Eden?” “Well, I’m glad you asked son. Human teeth; they are silly and repetitive. They fall out or break, discolor, harvest bacteria that foster cavities, cause pain and discomfort and...” God broke in with an obvious response. “Dad, how will they chew their food if they have no teeth to grind it up?” God’s father smiled in anticipation of this moment. Removing a rumpled scrap of paper from inside his dinner jacket and then thoughtfully (literally) moving some plates aside, Papa God winked at his incredulous son and placed a diagram of what seemed to be a large white wraparound tooth on the table in front of God. While smoothing out his handmade diagram, God’s father began, “My boy, I’m glad you asked me that. One giant tooth, with sharp ridges of course! That way they could have all the benefits of teeth without all the hassles. See, as my diagram plainly shows, you…..” Dad’s diagram was met with thrown napkins and peals of laughter. In a giggling staccato voice, God’s mother spoke for her and her two boys, “Honey, they’re humans, not beavers!!!!!…” God’s warm reverie was shattered by the ego sitting in front of him, for Balderdash was growing impatient. “God, did you hear me? God? Helloooooooo???????” God smiled warmly at Balderdash. “Yes, I heard you Baldy. I believe you asked me (mimicking Balderdash’s raspy whine perfectly) ‘besides me, what makes him so special?