The Me I Couldn’t See

Introduction “Each man’s life represents a road toward himself.” - Herman Hesse If anyone would have said to me 20 years ago that I would be writing a book about how to change your life, I would have laughed. My life had been cycling in negative patterns for years. Finally, the cycling finished its course, I crashed and burned, and I found The Me I Couldn’t See. As I look back on my life, it has been full of experiences that took me on a journey to discover who I really am—not the little girl that grew up the daughter of an alcoholic father; not the younger sister who was pushed forward because she was the “extrovert”; not the teenager who sought love through boys who were willing to say they loved her; not the “A” student who graduated at 16 because she was way beyond her years intellectually; not the young wife who needed so desperately to have a baby so she could love and be loved; not the divorcee who kept on hoping that one of these guys she married would really understand who she was and just simply love her. None of these experiences defined who I was. They were simply experiences that I designed to find myself… the authentic me. Many of my first 35 years were full of traumatic experiences, but I gave birth to three wonderful girls whom I deeply loved. It was because of them I had a reason to live and I never gave up. I know that sounds dramatic, but my life was dramatic! I have been through situations that most people only have nightmares about. If you believe in karma, I definitely had lots to resolve. I married several times, setting myself up by selecting relationships that couldn’t achieve authentic love or emotional intimacy. I have had to face death on many levels, including an illness that diagnosed me as having six months to live and then a massive head injury from a fall that caused me to die and return in an instant. After many tragic experiences, I felt I had started over so many times that I didn’t know if I had the energy to do it again. But, in spite of the drama and the trauma, at a certain point in my life I sold everything I owned at a garage sale (which tells you how well things were going) and started over. I had $200 to my name and what was in my van. I left my 12-year old daughter with my Mom until I could find a new job in another state. I knew it was time to completely break a life pattern and begin anew. I was tired and I was sick, but I had developed many skills in marketing, medicine, and entertainment. I was determined to be successful and prepare a place to live for my youngest daughter and me that was drama-free. I am thankful that I had a true friend. That’s the kind you can call after not seeing them for 25 years and they say, “Come stay with me. I’ll help”. Stephanie helped me get back on my feet and encouraged me that she had made just as many mistakes as me (which at the time was very hard for me to believe). I’ll never forget her faith, kindness and generosity; but the most valuable thing she did was to reflect back to me all my good qualities. Within a few weeks, I secured a job in radio broadcasting as a sales person. It didn’t pay much of a salary, but the potential for commissions was great. That first year I made more money than I ever had in my life, and it skyrocketed from there. I was able to put all my performing arts and marketing skills to use, and found that my intuitive abilities helped my clients and made me a top seller at the station. That was the next phase (and most important) of my journey into “The Me I Couldn’t See”. I would learn much about myself over the next 20 years, and would face some of the toughest challenges anyone can possibly face in this lifetime; grief, humiliation, betrayal, grave illness and a COMPLETE RESURRECTION! All of the endings brought new beginnings, and for that I am grateful. I want to share my story with you because I think it might help you in some way. Perhaps it might even save you from some of the darkness I went through. So, if you are at a place in your life where nothing is working, guess what? You’re right on track! Now, just look inside your heart. The Me I Couldn’t See is waiting there to meet you. Alison Astara