Falling into Joy

I grew up the youngest and only girl in my family of five, three older brothers, my mother, and father. We lived in Glen Cove, Long Island, a beautiful place to in which to grow up and then run away from because I wanted the big city. I left Long Island at 17, only to return for quick visits, and moved into New York City, all of my dreams packed up in my dancing future. I was a mover, a dancer, had always been. So off I went to New York University Tisch School of the Arts. It was magical the first two years, but then at the end of my sophomore year the entire faculty changed over and I felt lost. I started having searing pain in my feet. It became increasingly harder to walk, let alone dance. I saw a top orthopedic doctor and he said I had osteoarthritis and the bones of a 60-year-old woman at 19. His prescription for me was to stop dancing. The pain and difficulty that caused was overwhelming. My whole identity was tied up with dancing, performing, and my body. If I wasn’t a dancer, then who was I? I dropped out of college and I stopped dancing, both things that I thought I would never do. I was missing joy. I was searching for my life. What would my new life be? I started working with a massage therapist for my headaches, which I had had since I was a young teenager. Unable to express my emotions very well, my frustrations came out as headaches. As we worked on my head and I tried different relaxation techniques and started therapy, I began to experience fewer and fewer headaches. My therapist thought I would be good at massage, so I started training to become a massage therapist. I worked with dancers because I knew what hurt their bodies and what exercises they would need to keep their bodies supple and strong. It seemed like a perfect transition for me. I worked with dancers on Broadway and in small companies, but I was missing performing. I knew I couldn’t dance anymore but I had taken an acting class in college and even though I was terrified of being that exposed, I loved how it pushed me. I found a fantastic class with William Alderson from the Neighborhood Playhouse. He taught the Sanford Meisner technique, which stressed learning to live in the moment as an actor, and letting go of any idea of result. He is an amazing teacher and he lead all of our first- and second-year classes into incredible growth. I found my best friend; Anne, in that class and we have remained friends for over 30 years. All of the other students were young, talented, and full of hope for working in show business. I wonder what happened to them all. After we finished our classes, I found a manager and started doing commercials. I was well on my way to doing what I loved to do.