PICKING UP THE PIECES: LIFE AFTER CANCER

INTRODUCTION Ten years ago, at age 64, I was diagnosed with bi-lateral breast cancer. I was devastated! Suddenly, and without warning, my life was turned upside-down. I was frightened, terrified, confused, shocked. How could this happen after so many years of living a healthy life-style? It made no sense! Cancer breaks into our lives unexpectedly. It is a shocking and traumatizing life crisis. It plunges us into an unknown world, where the name of the game is survival---getting through multiple tests and doctor visits, surviving surgery and/or treatment, with an outcome that is often not clear. Generally, we tend to receive very good medical care and follow-up from oncology specialists. However, moving on from the experience of cancer and all that it entails, does not end after the last treatment or after having recuperated from surgery. The experience of cancer affects us on every level. It changes our sense of self. It shifts our priorities. While the medical profession focuses on physical treatment, not much is said or written about the emotional, psychological and spiritual dimensions of the cancer experience. We are not often encouraged to seek out support groups. We tend to keep to ourselves, not wanting to burden family and friends. For the most part, we are left to our own devices to pick up the pieces of our life. Living through cancer can become an opportunity to look within. The crisis of cancer invites us to enter into our inner world of intense feelings and emotions, shock and trauma, fears and insecurities. We are challenged to explore the meaning and purpose of our life after cancer. We are confronted with our sense of the sacred and of God. Walking through our inner world with gentle care is integral to our healing process. Committing ourselves to this process eventually leads to a richer quality of life, characterized by an inner sense of well-being, a lived connection with ourselves, others, the sacred, God, and life. Failure to do so leaves us more or less limping through life, trying to move on from the trauma of cancer, bogged down by our unresolved cancer issues. The challenge for many of us is learning to trust our inner experience, accepting that our feelings, fears, concerns and anxieties are all part of who we are. We tend to deny, rationalize, dismiss or minimize our inner stirrings. They seem unimportant as we try to survive the crisis and move on. Yet they tug at us, wanting to be listened to and respected. Healing from cancer requires that we take seriously what is moving within us. The contents of this book have been alive within me for several years since my own cancer experience. For a long time, I gave myself multiple reasons and excuses for not engaging in this project---it would demand too much time and energy, and may never be published. However, the movement of my own spirit has been relentless in nagging me to write, to the point where it became imperative to give expression to what has been living in me for so long. And so, all these many years later, this book is being born. As a psychotherapist, spiritual director and energy healing practitioner, I tried to live through cancer with as much awareness as possible. Working with cancer patients and survivors in various contexts throughout the past several years has made me aware of the universality of the struggles, anxieties and fears experienced by those of us who have walked through cancer. This book is grounded in my passion to help guide patients and survivors through an inner journey that is crucial to moving on with our lives. These chapters focus primarily on the first two years from the time of my diagnosis, which was a period of emotional and spiritual upheaval and turmoil. The last two chapters describe significant inner shifts that have occurred in my life as a result of having walked through the emotional and spiritual challenges of cancer. I have included excerpts from the journals I kept during that time, hoping that you, the reader, can identify with your own cancer story, and realize that whatever you have lived, or continue to live, is a normal part of the cancer experience. As a way of guiding you through your own process, I have included questions at the end of each chapter for your reflection and journal writing. Reflecting on your personal journey can bring clarity to what you are living, facilitate your healing process, and help you move forward with your life. May you feel supported as you read these pages. May they enlighten your own journey. May they help you realize that you are not alone. Whatever you are living today is integral to your healing process. I am grateful beyond words to my husband, Jeff, who has walked with me through all of it. His strong and faithful love has been constant as we together lived through my cancer experience. Throughout the many years of our marriage, he has always been there, supporting me in my many “out of the box” ventures, including the writing of this book. He continues to be my greatest cheerleader. In 2011, he himself was diagnosed with bladder cancer, which threw us once again into the shocking, uncertain and tumultuous world of cancer. Once more, our lives were turned upside-down. Today, as cancer-free survivors, we live grateful for being alive and healthy---with the unique distinction of being a cancer-surviving couple, something we certainly never sought! My heart is filled with gratitude for my supportive family, siblings and their spouses, nieces and nephews and their spouses, for being there in so many caring ways throughout my ordeal, and for their untiring love and concern over the years. I cherish and treasure my family relationships. I love you all. I am deeply appreciative for the care and love of my close friends, Sister Mary Anne Foster SC, Karen Laroche and Marie Evans who continue to be there as companions along this journey called life. I am grateful for the depth of our sharing and the enrichment I derive from these life-giving relationships. Throughout my adult life, I have been blessed with a number of significant mentors and guides. Their support, guidance and challenge of many years ago have contributed immensely to my personal growth and deepening, which allowed me to live through cancer with reflective awareness. Their teachings continue to have a formative influence on my life. I am grateful to the faculty of the Institute of Formative Spirituality: Father Adrian van Kaam, CSSp, Ph.D. and Dr. Charles Maes, both deceased, Dr. Susan Muto and Dr. Carolyn Gratton. For many years, I worked with Dr. Vincent Bilotta, a good friend and colleague. Together, we developed and facilitated a number of innovative programs designed to help individuals discover and come home to themselves. Our work has enriched me both personally and professionally. I am also deeply grateful to Dr. Leslie Case, and Maurice Proulx, who, at different times in my life, each accompanied me through difficult challenges. The gentle guidance of my Spiritual Director, Father Norman Comtois, OMI, continues to be a gift in my life. Our conversations have opened up profound places within my soul, that allow me to connect ever more deeply with the mystery of Divine Presence in my life. I am indebted to my oncology specialists, Dr. Charles Simone, Dr. Arnold Herman and Dr.Edward Wittels for their professional expertise, and their willingness to take the time to engage my many questions and concerns. I continue to be touched by their compassionate care and understanding. I gratefully acknowledge Dr. Sue Corrigan, Reiki Master and Shaman, for her help and support through the time of my diagnosis and first years of my healing process. I thank the members of Reiki Circle for their supportive presence and healing energy work through that time.