Rational Relating

Relationships don’t have to be that hard. Billions are walking around on this earth trying to connect with others and build meaningful and satisfying bonds. Yet for so many, there is something getting in the way of this experience. Something is often preventing individuals and couples from having the joyful life they want and deserve. You would think it would be different by now. It’s not as if this is a new challenge. Humans have been roaming the planet for hundreds of thousands of years and somehow we’ve made it this far. We have more ways than ever to stay connected: smart phones, e-mails, text messaging, IM chatting, social networks, access to travel. Go to any bookstore and you’ll find dozens of books instructing people on how to find and keep fulfilling relationships. Turn on any daytime talk show and you’ll see “experts” sharing how to have better communication, more sex, and happier unions. More and more American states and other states are recognizing same sex marriages as valid and legally sanctified unions. Given all this, why are so many relationships so unsatisfying? It is largely because most people are never taught the intelligent and practical tools of relating to each other rationally. They do not have role models or guides to demonstrate and teach the intricacies of negotiation and compromise. They do not understand that love, attention, respect, and honor must be given to oneself before they can be truly received from someone else. And how would anyone know this? It’s not as if this is ever taught in school. You are given training and skill-building for essentially every job out there. No one would expect you to be able to drive a car if you never learned how. No one would ever expect you to perform surgery if you didn’t have the required education. No one would expect you to get into the kitchen and create a four-course meal without the proper preparation and instruction. Yet we expect people to get married and stay together for 50 years with absolutely no training or preparation for relationships. It’s no wonder that more than half of marriages end in divorce. This book offers a simple solution to that mystery. It is called Rational Relating, and it is based on an effective tool I have developed in my two decades of practice as a marriage and family therapist. “Rationality” is a perspective that prioritizes thought over feeling, belief over mood, action over reaction. It is a way of being present in the world and in your interactions with others that increases experiences of joy, productivity, and tranquility, while minimizing pain, stagnation, and drama. Rational thinking increases options, possibilities, and choices for one’s decisions and behaviors. In short, it gives you more freedom than you ever imagined. It is long past time for a change. Whether we are talking about relationships with significant others, online acquaintances, family members, or someone in a “red state” or “blue state,” we all can benefit from practicing more rational thinking, logical reactions, and compassionate practices. Rational Relating is the first step in reclaiming a sense of empowerment, fulfillment, and self-efficacy in private and public relationships. It enables you to be mindful and focused in your connection with others. It empowers you to act in your relationships instead of react. It is the gateway to experiencing more fun, fulfillment, and freedom in all relationships by taking complete charge of your emotional journey. This book will walk you through the step-by-step process of creating a joyful infrastructure that enhances connection and comfort in all relationships, including the one with yourself. It will guide you through a series of explanations, examples, and exercises that will demonstrate how you can incorporate more rational interactions with others. All that is required to learn this model is an open mind, a caring heart, and a willingness to connect with others. In Rational Relating, there are five pillars that sustain and maintain the strength of a relationship in the long run. They are: Integrity - Having your actions consistently match your stated values, instead of saying one thing and doing another. Communication - Practicing the art and skill of effectively expressing your thoughts and feelings. Compassion - Seeking to acknowledge and appreciate your partner, while minimizing possibilities of doing intentional harm. Responsibility - Accepting that you are in charge of your primary thoughts, feelings, and sense of worth, not your partner. Compromise - Process of releasing personal gain for the greater good of the relationship. My job as a couple’s therapist is to teach and assist in strengthening and reinforcing their relationship’s pillars. By doing this, they can maintain a satisfying and fulfilling structure that is able to withstand stressors and traumas that can potentially weaken and damage the unit for a longer period of time. I help couples learn how to survive the big and little “quakes” that threaten the emotional structure. In this framework, couples are neither “healthy” nor “dysfunctional.” They are neither “good” nor “bad.” They simply have pillars, unique to the two people involved, that are strong, or pillars that need reinforcing. And like any reliable building, all pillars need reinforcing over time. The biggest misunderstanding I have encountered while explaining these founding ideas of Rational Relating is that the concept seems “anti-feelings.” For the record, rationality does not oppose feelings. Emotions and feelings can be quite wonderful and pleasurable experiences. They can be intensely sensational and fun. The problem is when intense emotions are reacted to in a way that hurts oneself and others. To put it another way, it is illegal to drive drunk for a reason. You may enjoy the feeling of intoxication but you don’t want to be operating heavy machinery while your judgment is impaired. Heightened feelings work very much in the same way. Nothing wrong with them, you just don’t want them factoring in when making major life decisions. “Emotional reasoning” is referred to as a tendency to believe that your emotions are factually true. Tragically, we have seen this happen all too often in the epidemic of gay/lesbian suicides in recent years in the United States. Dozens of young people have taken their own lives, and hundreds more have tried. The circumstances vary, but the thought pattern in all cases sadly went like this: “I feel so much pain. I feel so bad. I feel like I’m going to feel this way for the rest of my life so there is no point in living.” It is in a similarly intense emotional state that people strike out violently against a loved one. There can be many circumstances surrounding domestic violence, but certain ideas are fairly consistent: “I feel bad, hurting this other person will make me feel better”; “she should change”; “If I hit her she won’t make me upset again.” Again, these thoughts are not typically articulated or conscious, but this makes them no less potent and deadly. That is why Rational Relating encourages a focus on calm, rational, and mindfully based interactions in relationships. Feelings can change all the time. Just like the weather patterns, moods are inherently unstable, temporary, and fleeting. You may feel passion, rage, euphoria, frustration, and elation, all within the same minute! If you react to any of these heightened emotions impulsively, you could do something to permanently damage someone and compromise the structure of your union.