The Gift of Addiction

Heroin, my love for you cannot compare to Alcohol, Xanax, Meth or Cocaine. It was you who swept me off my feet. It was love at first high. It was like Christmas morning for a child waiting to open presents before each time we got together - the way you seduced me with your ritual- the way your vapors hit and tickled the back of my throat. The dark trails of evidence you left on the silver shiny surfaces proving our love for each other. The blanket of warmness you provided me with during the winter chill. The way you removed all of my trauma and emotional pain I bottled up inside me. The way you were always available when friends and family were not. You were my ears when I needed to express, and you were my shoulders when I needed to cry. The anticipation you gave me from the last time I felt you to the next left me with the desire to always be with you. You were my ultimate form of comfort and security. Without you I could not function. I needed you the moment I woke up. I needed you to eat and sleep and to attend family gatherings - holidays, birthdays and even funerals. As our relationship became more intense so did my struggle for survival. Because of you I did things I never thought I was capable of doing. I became a regular at the pawn shop selling my valuable possessions and gold jewelry I stole from my mother. I shoplifted and committed other petty crimes. I gave up my body, after no longer having the patience with men to sell them only the fantasy that honest lap dancers offer. I terminated two pregnancies to keep my relationship with you. Because of you I experienced homelessness seeking shelter in public restrooms and single stall family bathrooms hoping that I would not get caught. Every dollar I shamefully made went to you. You brought me around shady people who used me for the very little I had and who mentally abused me, making me feel like a worthless object. I was completely immersed in your darkness. Drugs, toward the end of our love affair you had such a firm grasp on my soul. I spent 43 days in jail for a possession charge. However, the jail sentence was a blessing in disguise. I was forced to find God, and God was revealed to me. I gained a sense of clarity sitting in the two-man cell. Aside from getting lost in the books I read, writing was my way of coping with the consequences of being with you. It provided an outlet for me to release the anxiety in that stressful environment. After about a week, I started gaining confidence each morning waking up without any physical discomfort, and with each journal entry written. I started to find myself again. After experiencing hell on Earth I was given the chance to come out of the darkness and into the light where you do not belong. You gave me the opportunity to remember the person I am by experiencing who I am not. Checking into treatment allowed me to release and process the emotional traumas that caused me to turn to you. I learned about the Gift of Addiction and the importance of “being of service.” Through my personal written assignments I rediscovered my passion for writing. I have found a new way of life without you by keeping an open mind and maintaining a conscious connection to a power greater than myself. I now utilize holistic methods such as meditation and yoga to cope with stress and anxiety. I have incorporated exercise and a nutrient rich diet into my regime to bring my body and my mind back into balance. I am blessed to have new and meaningful friendships with others in recovery and to witness the transformations and magic happening in their lives. Today, my relationship with my family is the strongest that it has ever been. I have found the love within myself that you could never give me. On this illuminated path of self-discovery I have the faith and confidence that I will never have the need, nor desire to turn to you again. Without the gift of addiction, I would have no idea who God really is, or understand my connection to Him. A.V